torn part II

i think sometimes you just have to say, "you know what God? whatever". not in a valley girl voice or not really like a punk teenager would talk to a young adult because maybe God would find that rude....then again, maybe not. i'll have to ask Him that one day.

but it's more of a "okay, God...whatever is supposed to be will be". sometimes, i get super bummed because things look like they are not working out like i want them to and then you just feel mopey. like annoyingly mopey. in case you're wondering, yes, it has happened before.

but then, i remember that you know what? God's plan hasn't changed, though it looks like everything else has...the only thing that has changed is the way i see it.

so i just need to relax

~p

torn

i like quotes. i think we all do. it somewhat gives you self-satisfaction when you can find one, knowing that someone brilliant feels as you do. there's one by mark twain that says:

"twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did so. so throw off the bowlines. sail away from the safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails. explore. dream. discover"

i've always thought of that as my advocate for going away and working elsewhere. but what if he's also talking about staying? for me, sailing away for the safe harbor is staying.

where is the line between doing what you want to do and what you have to do?

i guess it's true, twenty years from now, i don't want to be disappointed in what i chose to not do.

to be continued....

~p

it is now december

i know that i'm a contradiction. i don't mind. being home is nice. one thing i love about oklahoma is that unlike most states, it's quite slow-paced, but not so slow paced that you feel as though your mind is super slow (or super hick-well at least not all of the time). but then it has things that annoys me like, a lack of recycling centers and the fact that people don't really care about what's going on in the world at all.



a couple of weeks ago, the attacks happened in mumbai, and as americans typically do, we put it on the news for about 3 days or until "something more newsworthy" comes on. i think that's an american thing. we continually run off of emotion. that's one thing that i'm not too fond of america for. and here we are, once again-we've forgotten that anything has happened.



i guess you can say how i see tragedies as such, has changed since september 13th, when i was affected by the train crash in L.A. see, it's then you realise that the people that died, just aren't people out there. they are people's fathers, husbands, mothers, wives, daughters and sons. and their lives are gone for a senseless reason. families are torn apart, lives are forever changed and for what? whether in mumbai for reasons of terror or in LA because someone was texting while driving a train full of the day's commuters.

then it makes you wonder about the pure badness in the world. why does it have to be this way? i know the reason that we live in a fallen world and who am i to think that just because i follow the One who made the world good, that i'm supposed to be free from things that others face? (little note to read byzantium if you haven't) no. and i know better than that-look at my life to see that, but sometimes, i just have to verbally say or write down my thoughts because it puts things into perspective. i'm glad i serve a God that can take my questions, who is big enough to handle me when i get angry and frustrated with Him and don't understand the world and why it is so. but then He reminds me that He is good. and i can choose to bring good where i am or to bring badness which is spoiled goodness. most of all, He reminds me just how awesome Heaven is going to be.

~P

random t-day thoughts

1. ah. thanksgiving. i've really missed thanksgivings at home. you may think it's because it's something extravagant....um, no. see, our thanksgivings consist of me only cooking the hot rolls and doing the dishes-i've been doing it since i was 6, why change tradition? then, we eat, mostly in our pajamas (my dad is usually the only one who is dressed enough to actually leave the house looking decent). we watched bizarre foods and watched him eat a fish eye while eating our turkey...then about 10 minutes after dishes were done, we were all asleep. thank you triptofan. that's a t-day at home. and i love it. comfort of home-being who you truly are with people who truly are themselves because that's just how you love them.

2. chasing daylight- reading the book written by my former pastor. ERM. good stuff. he talks about how we are CALLED to live a life of adventure and how what we do with each moment affects future moments. this is your moment. and my moment too. i've been determined to not let this moment pass....i try to make my mom laugh as much as possible, hang out with my teenagers, watch entirely way too much football with my dad, tell the people i truly love that i love them every time i see them.

he also talks about art and how each moment captured really is motion captured. we often capture the moment and leave it at that. but there is so much more behind that moment, it's moving. that was an ego booster since i would always spend time at the getty when i lived in LA, analyzing things until my feet would kill me...hm, good to know that i don't have an analytical problem...i still may, but i digress.

2a. since it's a part of the book too. i am the epitamy of a daydreamer- have been since i was kid. since i'm a really great multi-tasker, i can even daydream while doing about 4 other things at once. often think about the future or what i'm exactly going to say to that person who made a decision that he/she is not happy with and wants to tell me about. or i daydream about what i'm going to do when, what my life will be like. it's quite addicting, daydreaming. not that it's all bad. but sometimes, you just need to be in this moment. yeah, i like that.

i'm actually so much at peace with the idea of letting go of things because sometimes letting go leaves a better grip.

and on a simplier note, you just can't sit on your thumbs and wait for nothing to happen. cause that gets boring.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Love,
~P

yum. turkey

well, i have safely returned home. it's quite nice. sometimes you forget what home really means until you get there. this has been the first trip i've come back from where i've had the most trouble with jet lag. but that is finally over and now it's time to get used to other things. i guess in time i'll become more stylish like i used to be, will actually take my buff off at some points in time and wear the unusual thing called make up again. but then again, maybe not.


the thought of coming home always brings up mixed feelings. here you are surrounded by people who knew you before but will it be the same? i've left and i've changed but what else has changed? will home be the same? will home have changed? or is it just me that has changed? what will people think of the change? will people even understand?

i came home with all these questions and got one answer that was easier and more pleasant than what i was expecting. and that is that there are people at home that love me more than i could ever hope for. and that is pretty much all you need. that love has answered all of my questions. sure i've changed and sure things have changed here too. but change isn't bad.

next week is thanksgiving and boy do i have a lot to be thankful for. this is my first thanksgiving at home since 2005. and to spend it with the people that i love the most in the whole world is quite a blessing. i'm lucky to love every moment of my life. to have friends all over the world who are determined to change their world and expect nothing less of me either. and a family who would support me even if i wanted to be the president of some small south american country. so happy thanksgiving everyone.

may you be reminded of many reasons to be thankful.

~P

leaving on a big plane

i leave this beautiful country tomorrow. still not sure if i will be back for sure in january or not. am reminded of a prayer i found that sums up what this moment in my life (the moment of being in Liberia) has meant:

O God, our Father, we thank You for this day.
We thank You for those who have given us guidance, counsel advice and good example.
We thank You for those in whose company the sun shone even in the rain, and who brought a smile to our faces even when things were grim.
We thank You for those in whose company the frightening things were not so alarming, and the hard things not so difficult.
We thank You for those whose presence saved us from falling to temptation, and enabled us to do the right.
We thank You for those whom it is joy to be with, and in whose company the hours pass all too quickly.
We thank You for happy times to be to us forever happy memories.
We thank You for times of failure to keep us humble, and to make us remember how much we need You.
Most of all we thank You for Jesus Christ, who in the daytime is our friend and our companion and who in the night is our pillow and our peace.
Hear this our evening thanksgiving for Your love's sake
~William Barclay

So be it.

a trek through the bush and a deep thought later

so, i just came back from what i earlier dubbed was going to be the "best trip ever". it ended up being good. not sure about the best trip ever though. the first day, we were scheduled to take off at 6 am. not really a fan of starting to do strenous exercise that early in the morning. anyway, we end up starting to walk around 7:15-7:30. around 9:30, i realise that i didn't have breakfast and i tend to get low blood sugar when doing a lot of exercise and no food. so, we attempt to fix the problem, but travelling with 7 africans and 1 canadian, africans don't get the concept at all of low blood sugar.


anyway, we do assessments in about 5 villages. total it takes 10 hours and we get to the last village where we'll sleep at about 5:30. 8 hour of walking the first day. the village was called nyemah and it was so clean and the people were SO incredibly kind. they gave us water to take a bath in, in this cute homemade bathhouse they made and they even gave up their beds for us! Even though we brought tents to sleep in.

So, the 2nd day comes and we move on. everyone acts like they are in such a hurry but i being the stubborn person i am have a pace that i go, and we're still making good time, but some of the faster walkers want me to go faster-hence ticking me off a little. we do 2 more villages in 3 hours instead of the 4 they said it would take and keep going another 3 hours to another village. now, when i say that i'm walking, this isn't some little stroll on the trail. this is a "knock you in the face-no motorcycle can go on this road-bush trail". in between our resting points, i can feel blisters beginning to form and even pop. so we get to this village and again they give us their beds to sleep on. by this time we're completley exhausted and are grateful for just a good night's rest. but we don't get one.


taya and i usually just sit and chat for a while before we go to bed. so we were doing the usual when i hear this noise and ask her what it is. she calmly replies a rat. i think okay. we live with mice. but then, the lid to the bucket in the room comes off completely and i just say, "what was THAT" in order for the rat to do that, it has to be massive. so, all through the night there are about a dozen rats and we can hear them chewing something, not sure if they are chewing through our bags or not. so taya and i keep the headlamp on all night, trying to scare the rats away-but it doesn't work and we only end up with about 2 hours of sleep that night still having to walk another 4 hours to end our journey.

might i add here that the people were so grateful that we came. i was already the first non-Liberian/non-native African to be there about a month ago and now i think taya and i were the first american and canadian in there and also the first "white women" to spend the night there.


so back to the journey. back the 3rd day, today, my feet are completely killing me, i ended up hitting my bad knee on a tree log the day before , so my whole right side just is not cooperative. i'm moving slowly, but we're sitll making it in the time they said. and i'm just getting beyond ticked off with lots that is going on, and i feel like complete crap and can feel my blisters popping, which honestly feels like your feet are bleeding. and i'm just ticked.


we end up waiting for about 4 hours for a car to come and then end up walking small in the dark and by then, i'm pretty livid. everything is just getting to me, and i think everything is ridiculous and asinine. i guess we are all entitled to our bad days, but after awhile, feeling this way really bothered me.

why? because i have a masters degree, i've spent over 3 months each on 4 continents: i should have my life together. i should only be moving forward in who i am, right? it hasn't exactly worked like that. it's moments like those where i am reminded of a quote from my favourite book Mere Christianity. C.S. Lewis writes: "surely what a man does when he is taken off guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he really is. surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth?" Almost 9 years ago my life was completely changed from who I used to be. I found this true love and amazingness of a man called Jesus Christ. only those who knew me can really attest to who i used to be. many will tell you i'm completely different and it's true. it's too much to explain who i used to be, but just trust me. so, on this trip the woman that came out at times wasn't the evidence of who i thought i was or who i want to be.

i had a pretty bad attitude for about 1/3 of the trip. and afterward, i felt horrible for being so angry because in a way, it reminds me of who i used to be and how much i don't want to be who i used to be. i often think that i'm making progress and it's moments like those where i don't feel like i'm making progress at all. as c.s. lewis also says, "we all want progress. But progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be". again, in moments like those, i don't feel very progressive. because progress means changing for the better and i don't feel like i'm always better than i was. it's a day by day process i guess. certain days you do feel sucessful and a better person but other days, it just doesn't happen.

sometimes, i'm constantly reminded that no matter how many degrees i have, or want to have, i'm always as person "in progress". i hate failing. and it's crazy how the littlest things can make you feel like such a failure, even though you know you haven't completely screwed up. yes, i am a perfectionist and i'm learning that just because i don't handle things the way i should, or things don't work out the way i hope, the world actually won't fall apart. it's true that “after each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again….It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God.”

so, this trek through the jungle was somewhat the same. it was long. it was hard. it was full of good moments. full of crappy moments. full of moments of laughter and moments of anger. but in the end, it was completely worth it. on the way up, there is this huge hill and i had to stop for multiple seconds, but johnny and bob helped me through. and that's like life too. people are purposefully put in your life to help you up that hill to get to the top. before i left to work on this project, i knew it would be difficult. i knew what i was doing and once again c.s....

"the process will be long and in parts painful, but that is what we are in for. nothing less."

yep. i don't want anything less.

~P

somewhere between what could be and what is

i have been on a roll with the blogging thing. i don't know if people are actually supposed to continuously attempt to blog or not. but, whatever. i digress to an actual topic: i've realised that when i get 10 days or so away from leaving a place, the mindset changes. i realise, "holy crap. i'm really leaving". then i think about the people that i have been with and learned from. and for some reason, this transition time always puts me in a contemplative mood.

here is my contemplative mood for now: my life is the coolest life pretty much ever. don't get me wrong...your life is probably cool too. sometimes though i can't help but wonder what my life would be like if i would be doing something other than what i'm doing. i think we all do that in some way or another at some point in time of our lives. currently, i seem to find that more and more people that i once may have flippantly dated are now married. whoa. i think. I could be married right now. and that thought freaks me out.

i won't lie, it'd be nice to be married at some point but the problem arises with the finding someone who would want to spend the rest of his life with me. that's a really long time. like forever. and i know that i'm quite a handful. oh, my. poor guy. whoever he is.

to digress again to an actual point: i remember 2 1/2 years ago feeling the strongest regarding this issue of what would have been and what is and discussing it with my wisest friend, Vanessa. the conclusion from that is the same as it is now. just like history, you can only study what actually happened and as V states as only she can, "i can tell you exactly what would've happened if you did things differently in your life. it wouldn't. if what happened wouldn't have happened, you would be someone else freaking out about different decisions. you are you. formed from thousands of different decisions".

as i look back through my journal and re-read what i wrote then, i'm so grateful for everything i've been through. every opportunity that i've had and loved and every opportunity i've had and despised. life has been good. and it's so crazy that it only gets better!

um, that's all i have for now. one day, i'll try to write something heartfelt and life changing...one day.

~P

rain just puts you in a writing mood

it rained today, which is somewhat surprising because it appeared as though dry season was here to stay and rainy season was over. i have always loved the rain. growing up in the dry desert of oklahoma, i remember when the governor would ask us to pray for rain, it would get that dry. i also remember looking out of the window and being so excited when it would rain that i would run outside with arms outstreched grateful for some relief from the heat.

beyond providing much needed nourishment, i can't figure out why i love the rain so much. most people after seeing the rain day after day would get tired of it, but i don't think i have. sure there have been days, but not really.

one thing about rain is that it has a calming factor. i know on a rainy day, i get to sleep easier. i think most of the times i'm quite spastic and although i've done better recently, i often need to be reminded to just calm down. i need to tell myself to stop talking and just listen. realise that silence isn't bad-just sometimes uncomfortable.

i think i look at how the rain just cleans the earth and how naturally beautiful it is. in the time i've spent in africa, natural beauty is one thing that has definitely stood out to me. everything here is naturally beautiful. in liberia, the people are even naturally beautiful. i know personally that i haven't worn make up for the past 5 months and i'm okay with that. not that make up is bad in anyway, but it does make me realise how much emphasis we ("we" going as far as meaning the western world) put on the made-up beauty of people and things instead of what naturally is.

so, rain, rain ...please don't go away. stay here and help me "process" as you always do.

a Liberian bush adventure

i feel compelled to write more about my time in Liberia-since this is where i currently am...whether by the help of a certain person named Bev or not.

So last week, I went to Bopolu to see how our distribution for the project that I started managing about a month ago was going. It was going alright but some parts were a little rough just logistically speaking. Oh, and I can't forget to mention that we are attempting to do a 5 month project in 2 months but details, details.

So, I went up to see my staff, give pep talks and then I decide that I want to go to see the people that will receive our supplies of wire, flashtape and zinc in order to increase the output of their farms. The community that we are distributing in, does not allow access for cars or motorbikes, so you have to walk the entire way. There are 14 communities total in this district and i decided that i wanted to walk to the 2nd one. In one day.

Every time I told any Liberian that I wanted to walk there in a day, they would just laugh and say "impossible! it is possible for us to do..but you". so that made me even more determined to do it.

problem was, we got a late start. we didn't get to the landing until 10:40 a.m. so, we leave and then i see what they mean by "non-accessible". this bush is knocking me in the face and you can barely see the trail to even walk! then it clears and gets a bit better and we make it to the first village-wayamah. there we find a boy who was just bitten by a cassava snake which is highly poisonous. since this village does not have any health care system and pretty much doesn't have anything these people are trying to treat him with herbs. so, since we really can't be useful we decide to leave and keep on going to gbangay-2nd second village.

so, total of 3 hours since we started and 2 hours past wayamah-we get to gbangay. i just plop down when we get to the town chief's house. am introduced and then this old man keeps telling me that he wants to marry me. i'm so tired that i just don't even talk (because i don't want to) and i'm just staring at this man that is obviously drunk AND is off his rocker. THEN, he tries to kiss me...oh yes, and he was NOT successful.

i use that opportunity to say that we're leaving and go to see the rice farms. we walk about another 30 minutes and get to a farm where some women are harvesting. "can i harvest too?" I ask. they were happy to oblige. and it was actually quite fun but a lot of work to get the final product of rice.

so, one of the women says that she will make us some rice if we will stay. so we end up staying for about another hour and i did end up taking a short nap because i was so sleepy. then we get word that the boy that was bitten by the cassava snake died. it was sad and we went to give our condolences on our way back.

i totally didn't think we were going to make it back up this hu-mon-go hill because it just doesn't end. by this time, i had gotten bit by a driver ant and i can feel the blisters on my feet forming. i had to stop about 5 times on the hill because it's just so never ending but then we finally make it and see that no truck is there. so we're in the dark, it starts raining...no joke, it was something straight out of a movie. turns out, they left about 5 minutes before we got there thinking that we weren't going to make it, but they had to come back for us anyway.

So, on the way back i was talking to the base manager about how no one ran up to me to greet me or anything and he said, "oh, yeah! that's because they don't see people who look different from them. You're the first non-Liberian woman (well, actually, he said white woman, but we won't go there) to go there since before the war started".

Wow. was all i could think. i was quite humbled. true there was no road, but these people are such a beautiful people. so, we're actually going back next week to do some water assessments and i'm so excited. it's going to be the best trip EVER!

~P

a political venting session

I despise election season. I hate talking about politics. Why is this you may ask when I have spent 6 years studying it and have an advanced degree in it? Is it because everyone makes you feel as though you are a horrible person if you do not vote a certain way? I think so. What beyond aggravates me is when people say, "if you don't vote this way, you aren't voting for the will of God" or other statements that are just as ridiculous. Are you telling me that if I do not vote your way that I do not love God? Who are you to say that?


I am not a Republican. I am not a Democrat. I belive things on different sides. Is universal healthcare not Biblical?

I like debate. I like learning from other people. I DON'T like debating when people do not want to listen and have no earthly idea what they are talking about. Are you even aware how far both parties ideas have changed over the years or are you too busy voting straight ticket to notice?

For example, 20 years ago, Republicans wanted NOTHING to do with education. Now all of a sudden Republicans wnat EVERYTHING to do with no child left behind completely oblivious to the fact that they are now neo-cons.

What brings this blog to the surface you ask? People who have the GALL to tell me that just because I don't think McCain is the best thing since sliced bread, telling me that I'm not voting "in touch with God". As a Christian, I am upset with these people and those like them. Are you showing people the love of God? Let me answer that for you...that would be NO.

When I was working in D.C. at the Russell Senate Building, there was once a pro-life rally. I thought, okay it is as good of an idea as any other. I come back from work and there is their trash EVERYWHERE. I was so vexed because it makes all pro-lifers look bad and I attempted to pick up the trash but there was just too much. Is this being a good steward? Is this showing love?

All I ask, if you're a Republican, Democrat, Independent, or none of the above-is do you know WHY you vote the way you do? Do you even know WHY you believe it? This isn't a bashing session for either side because again I agree with things on either side. Just respect the opinions of other people. That...is all I ask.

I'm just asking for a clean race from US, the voters. Don't bash other people. Open your mind and realise that we all want the same thing...a better America.

We just have different ways to get there.

i...am ridiculous

Have you ever had those moments where all you can say about yourself is "i'm ridiculous?" I definitely had one of those moments today. This weekend I've been sicky mc-sick-ing-ton. It was one of those times where you WILL remember being this sick because it doesn't happen often. i woke up and started puking up what my roommate calls "gut juice"-yeah, that yellow stuff mixed with water that makes you just want to stop breathing? we were supposed to go to robertsport and i felt horrible. i made my roommates go without me and i just decided to lie on the couch and not move.

i was pretty bored all weekend since the roommates were gone for 2 days and i was NOT happy. i mean, i'm not having fun with my friends and all i could think of was that this fun weekend wasn't supposed to turn out this way. i was supposed to be at robertsport enjoying this last weekend with 2 of my roommates on the beach and all of a sudden this bug comes out of nowhere. i never have been one to deal well when things go differently than i have planned, but over the past 6 years, i've gotten better, since NOTHING in my life has gone according to plan-and i can't imagine my life if it would have gone according to "plan"...<--yep, there i go contradicting myself again (it's kind of a hobby)

a quote from one of my favourite books, the alchemist came to mind today, which says, "When each day is the same as the next, it’s because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day the sun rises". it wasn't as though i thought yesterday was the same as the day before but i didn't appreciate the day for what it was. i undermined the wonderful people who took time out of their schedule to visit me and to check up on me. i forgot that God gave me rest that i obviously needed and would not have gotten otherwise. i have found a renewed love for applesauce.

most of all, even though i strive to win the respect of intellectual people, i remembered that even when i fall short and am ridiculously ridiculous and prove to be everything that is inadequate... for some weird reason the God of the universe just laughs at my shortcomings and reminds me of what really is. He's given me good things in the beauty that exists, in the people that are around me and in everything that is-whether i remember to recognize it or not.

the universal language of...

Last week, I had the chance to visit a program that helps deaf students. We walk in the place and meet the woman in charge, whom I spoke with over the phone. She takes us into a room with the beginners class...all deaf children with a deaf teacher. I wave hello. I can't decide whether or not I should sign since I don't know that much. After looking at the beautiful faces of these children I decide that I at least need to try. So I look at this girl who was one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. "Your name?" I sign? Her face lit up. L-U-C-Y. "Lucy" I sign back. "Yes" she answered, "Your name?" "P-A-T-T-Y" I replied.

Oh, then the other kids started signing too! We leave and get to see the other deaf students who are integrated in classes with the students who can hear. I did get told that I was very beautiful by a 12th grade boy, but communicating (or should I say attempting) with these kids was such an experience. Here I am 9,000 miles away from where people understand what I am saying, talking to these students who cannot hear. In that moment, I felt like the world was so small...that we're all the same.

I know it may not make sense, probably because I'm not explaining it well, but it was definitely a life changing experience. The picture above is the deaf teacher named Norah, who is also deaf signing to me, "I love you" and me signing back. So, it's a universal language really....a universal language that breaks all accent barriers and color barriers and is just simply a language that shows love.

i'm glad..

so, i've been in Liberia for 3 1/2 months now. i'm pretty sure that you're supposed to make a blog before you leave or when you first hit the ground, but i never tend to do things the way i'm supposed to.

so, i thought for my first blog post, i'd get into why i picked the blog of i'm glad you're not ordinary. you can ask my housemates. this was definitely a difficult task in picking, but i decided on it because in all of my travels, i have realised this quote by c.s. lewis to be true. in his infamous quote he says how there are no ordinary people and how the people we talk to are not mere mortals. if you've ever been to Liberia, you will quickly find that these are not ordinary people either. the people you meet are the same ones that as recently as 5 years ago were running from rebels to save their lives. yet, if you only met the people, you would never know it. yep, these aren't ordinary people.

then, i see all the people that have crossed my path, both past and present. and i'm so glad that i'm surrounded by people who are not ordinary and who make sure that i don't settle for such either. i'm grateful that everyone i've met has had an impact on my life. i'm glad that different people continue to teach me different lessons everyday. and...i'm glad that you're not ordinary either.