somewhere between what could be and what is

i have been on a roll with the blogging thing. i don't know if people are actually supposed to continuously attempt to blog or not. but, whatever. i digress to an actual topic: i've realised that when i get 10 days or so away from leaving a place, the mindset changes. i realise, "holy crap. i'm really leaving". then i think about the people that i have been with and learned from. and for some reason, this transition time always puts me in a contemplative mood.

here is my contemplative mood for now: my life is the coolest life pretty much ever. don't get me wrong...your life is probably cool too. sometimes though i can't help but wonder what my life would be like if i would be doing something other than what i'm doing. i think we all do that in some way or another at some point in time of our lives. currently, i seem to find that more and more people that i once may have flippantly dated are now married. whoa. i think. I could be married right now. and that thought freaks me out.

i won't lie, it'd be nice to be married at some point but the problem arises with the finding someone who would want to spend the rest of his life with me. that's a really long time. like forever. and i know that i'm quite a handful. oh, my. poor guy. whoever he is.

to digress again to an actual point: i remember 2 1/2 years ago feeling the strongest regarding this issue of what would have been and what is and discussing it with my wisest friend, Vanessa. the conclusion from that is the same as it is now. just like history, you can only study what actually happened and as V states as only she can, "i can tell you exactly what would've happened if you did things differently in your life. it wouldn't. if what happened wouldn't have happened, you would be someone else freaking out about different decisions. you are you. formed from thousands of different decisions".

as i look back through my journal and re-read what i wrote then, i'm so grateful for everything i've been through. every opportunity that i've had and loved and every opportunity i've had and despised. life has been good. and it's so crazy that it only gets better!

um, that's all i have for now. one day, i'll try to write something heartfelt and life changing...one day.

~P