deja vu

if there is one thing i'm pretty positive about, it would be that i am not a poster child for what a mid-20 person is supposed to be. i mean i'm not established. i don't even have a fish.

it's kind of the same cycle of thoughts that i've had every time there is a lull in my life. lull being silence when i'm waiting to move on. over the past year or so, i think i've become more comfortable with silence than i used to be. until i have a moment of silence. i don't think i'll ever get used to waiting for what's next, not knowing. i'm pretty sure that will always be annoying to me. it always seems that when i all i want to do is to follow what i'm supposed to for the next moment, then there's silence and i'm lost.

again.

i guess the actual process of being lost isn't so bad. it's when the worry sets in and the thoughts come in that it gets bad. "hmm...what am i going to do in a month? how long am i here? am i going to be homeless? jobless? oh, crap. this sucks."

i used to be a worrier. i don't know exactly when it happened but i got to this point where i stopped worrying legitimately. i don't trust people very easily but i found this person that i trusted and He once said, "do not worry about tomorrow for today has enough trouble of its own". He really is trustworthy this guy. i stopped worrying for a couple of years. it seems that over the past couple of weeks, this worry has returned something fierce and i don't know why. it's one of those gnawing at your gut type worry where when you think about it long enough , you need to put your hands in the air and put your head between your legs while you're hyperventilating (well, maybe not that bad, but i like to look on the bright side that things can indeed get worse).

i guess i'm just made differently. i never asked for it. i mean it's like my life is a whole process of being ADD. i've been back in the states for over 6 months and it's something i can't shake. being in the same place for this long- even though i've moved within that 6 months. i'm not talking about just having an itch because i'm at the age where i can travel and i'm allowed to do so-i'm just unstable (even though i guess i prefer the term fluid-it makes it sound better). but i wonder if it just ever gets ridiculous? i MUST leave the country again.

i guess i get to the point where when people somewhat tease me about always leaving, about never being able to keep up with what i'm doing-i've gotten to the point to where i don't really have a comeback anymore. and your mom jokes no longer count as wit i've been told.

it's not like i don't trust that something will be provided and that i won't be exactly where i'm supposed to be, because i will be. it just flat out stinks when you have absolutely no control over what happens in your life for the next month much less 6 months much less year. it's always that long-drawn out process of learning-i mean haven't i learned enough? i might be a professional student but i don't NEED this! i don't like deja vu' because this looks awfully familiar. and if you're one of like the 3 people that read my blog-this probably looks familiar too. i promise i'll stop the insanity one day.as soon as i get an answer.

love,
p