i've always struggled with the debate over "are humans inherently good or inherently bad?" i used to have hope in the human race- i really did. in seeing the world, i've seen truly GOOD people. that formed my opinion i guess that people have to be inherently good. i fought for the good in people in my classes. i really did. but then, i moved back to the southern midwest. the past 4 months have aided in making me change my mind completely.
yes. people are inherently bad.
what makes people so selfish? as i watch people, i wonder if that is me as well? i was living in california when i was talking to a guy from my class that i worked with that was a 2nd year when i was a 1st year. while we were working, i asked him how his weekend was and he proceeded to tell me how he went to eat at some restaurant. and i followed by telling him how i didn't like that genre of food. then he told me something i'll never forget, he said, "patty, i didn't ask you for your opinion. you asked ME how my weekend was, what's with the opinion?" and it really wasn't harsh at all, but that moment taught me one of the most important lessons i hope i'm closer to fully learning than just beginning to learn.
my opinion is not always needed. people don't always need to know what i think. what makes me think they need to know my opinion. who am i that my opinion even matters? what makes people want to talk all the time about accomplishments and in a way put other people down without truly celebrating their successes with them?
there's a type of people everywhere you go. certain places have more laid back people while others have people who must always be busy or talking. where i am has selfish people. what makes humans so selfish? is there a switch that goes on and off?
i'm not saying this on a soapbox at all- i do try to evaluate myself and in evaluating others- i am evaluating myself. these past couple of months-when you're not exactly where you WANT to be (you still may be where you're supposed to be) you have lots of time to think. time to think of why am i so unhappy....yet, scared to move on to something else?
these past 4 months i've had lots of time to think...which can be quite dangerous. i guess in the past couple of months i have first decided that i will not be the girl that has to fill the silence. silence isn't always bad. as i get older, i've become more of an introvert- not full scale- i mean, i'm still the patty that will do something stupid in order for someone to feel more comfortable.
this isn't really segueing well but whatever. something happened today where i just completely got tired of the attitude and the mentality that is here- i totally can't explain it and i know that i am generalizing but i literally just stopped what i was doing and completely left, drove in my car without saying anything and walked away.
it hurts to be surrounded by people who desire so deeply for you to be like them, when i have absolutely no desire to. just because i have no desire to have a job like them or to have a normal life- they need to let me know that "i'm not grown up" that maybe one day, i'll settle down and be a grown up. whatever. and i guess we all long to be understood. which doesn't mean that i'm looking for someone that's just like me.
one of my greatest friends from california, emily and i still keep in touch and we have many differences- she's not big on the traveling abroad thing or living in rough conditions. we're quite different. but i feel like i'm quite understood with her.
then again, i don't completely not enjoy moments here where i am. gosh, this is harder to explain than I thought. i guess this week was the tip of the iceberg that sank the titanic of me saying, "forget this. i can't live here. i can't do this anymore. stop letting people get to you, patty and take the steps that you're scared to take". God's met me in my places before and He's going to again. He understands.
"You looked into my life and never stopped and You're thinking all my thoughts are so simple but so beautiful. and You recite my words right back to me. before I even speak You let me know...I am understood" -Relient K
Sunday, October 25, 2009
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