comfortable in my own skin

G’Day Mates! I write as I am now officially getting things ready to head to Australia in the beginning of the year. I have my work visa and am now looking for a plane ticket. it gets a little complicated when you have people you love around the world and wish to visit...and even though it looks like it should be on the way on MY map...it doesn’t exactly work like that with airlines- hence making it a little more complicated. We’ll find out what I’m doing probably when I get there. I had some time and now a visa- so i just took ann landers quote to heart when she said “the real trick is to stay alive as long as you live”-so I may as well feel alive and head down under.

i’m learning even here different ways to feel alive. for this story time with patty: have you ever run into those people where the following conversation goes something like this, OP (other person) “Hey Patty! How was your day?” Me: It was okay. it was kind of a hard day at work. OP: “oh yeah, i know what you mean because I.....20 minutes later after they take a breath. OP: So what’s next for you? Me: tells him/her. OP: “oh my gosh! i’m so jealous, i want to do that too and blah blah blah. 20 minutes later when they take another breath....Me: okay, well i’m going to go now. OP: okay, love you! Me: thanks. fast forward to the next week and hit repeat with the same person. yeah, if you’re thinking that attempting to gouge your eye out with a dull spoon is probably more interesting than having this conversation, you’re probably right. well, that was a little mean. i take some of it back.

i know we’ve all met these people and if we’re honest, we’ve even been that person in some point of our lives- the people whose souls aren’t at peace so we talk all the time? yeah, i’ve been there. what’s the point of that story? i don’t really know- i just know it now bothers me (that’s probably the real reason i wrote it- let’s just cut to the chase) and reminds me of the story i’ve told before with my friend aaron who told me that he didn’t need my opinion nor did he ask for it, so why in the world do i have to give it to him? probably because i truthfully wasn’t at peace with myself.

i was putting on my makeup a couple of weeks ago when i had an epiphany that hit me hard- as serious as a heart attack- i realised something has happened and i am no longer comfortable in my own skin. i used to be. and i knew it too. i don’t know how long it had been going on, but it had definitely happened. so, that moment i decided to not wear makeup for a month. it’s quite weird but it was really liberating. and i think it worked. there really isn’t a feeling like being comfortable in your own skin. being comfortable doesn’t mean being arrogant or proud nor does it mean settling for mediocrity and not striving to become a better person- because if you really know it all, is there really a point?

maybe it’s true that “one of the greatest...experiences is when he no longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is” Norman Vincent Peale

so,

i guess may we all find ourselves- find the good, the bad, the ugly, the great, the loving, the kind, the vices and all that’s in between on the journey of finding ourselves. and may we be comfortable in our own skin once again.

Love,
P

maybe plato's right in my jumbled thoughts?

i've always struggled with the debate over "are humans inherently good or inherently bad?" i used to have hope in the human race- i really did. in seeing the world, i've seen truly GOOD people. that formed my opinion i guess that people have to be inherently good. i fought for the good in people in my classes. i really did. but then, i moved back to the southern midwest. the past 4 months have aided in making me change my mind completely.

yes. people are inherently bad.

what makes people so selfish? as i watch people, i wonder if that is me as well? i was living in california when i was talking to a guy from my class that i worked with that was a 2nd year when i was a 1st year. while we were working, i asked him how his weekend was and he proceeded to tell me how he went to eat at some restaurant. and i followed by telling him how i didn't like that genre of food. then he told me something i'll never forget, he said, "patty, i didn't ask you for your opinion. you asked ME how my weekend was, what's with the opinion?" and it really wasn't harsh at all, but that moment taught me one of the most important lessons i hope i'm closer to fully learning than just beginning to learn.

my opinion is not always needed. people don't always need to know what i think. what makes me think they need to know my opinion. who am i that my opinion even matters? what makes people want to talk all the time about accomplishments and in a way put other people down without truly celebrating their successes with them?

there's a type of people everywhere you go. certain places have more laid back people while others have people who must always be busy or talking. where i am has selfish people. what makes humans so selfish? is there a switch that goes on and off?


i'm not saying this on a soapbox at all- i do try to evaluate myself and in evaluating others- i am evaluating myself. these past couple of months-when you're not exactly where you WANT to be (you still may be where you're supposed to be) you have lots of time to think. time to think of why am i so unhappy....yet, scared to move on to something else?


these past 4 months i've had lots of time to think...which can be quite dangerous. i guess in the past couple of months i have first decided that i will not be the girl that has to fill the silence. silence isn't always bad. as i get older, i've become more of an introvert- not full scale- i mean, i'm still the patty that will do something stupid in order for someone to feel more comfortable.

this isn't really segueing well but whatever. something happened today where i just completely got tired of the attitude and the mentality that is here- i totally can't explain it and i know that i am generalizing but i literally just stopped what i was doing and completely left, drove in my car without saying anything and walked away.

it hurts to be surrounded by people who desire so deeply for you to be like them, when i have absolutely no desire to. just because i have no desire to have a job like them or to have a normal life- they need to let me know that "i'm not grown up" that maybe one day, i'll settle down and be a grown up. whatever. and i guess we all long to be understood. which doesn't mean that i'm looking for someone that's just like me.


one of my greatest friends from california, emily and i still keep in touch and we have many differences- she's not big on the traveling abroad thing or living in rough conditions. we're quite different. but i feel like i'm quite understood with her.

then again, i don't completely not enjoy moments here where i am. gosh, this is harder to explain than I thought. i guess this week was the tip of the iceberg that sank the titanic of me saying, "forget this. i can't live here. i can't do this anymore. stop letting people get to you, patty and take the steps that you're scared to take". God's met me in my places before and He's going to again. He understands.

"You looked into my life and never stopped and You're thinking all my thoughts are so simple but so beautiful. and You recite my words right back to me. before I even speak You let me know...I am understood" -Relient K

dating advice to my kids

it's been kind of difficult for me to really figure out what the purpose of a blog really is. i mean, is it for what's going on in your life or for deep thoughts that may not have any answers? i'm not really sure.

well, as of today X Games 15 is officially over. i've been obsessed with X Games for about 7 or 8 years. i know it seems quite odd i know but not really. the main reason i love it so much is because it's a sport where you have to go bigger and better every year- you can't settle for mediocrity. what won last year won't work again. they have to sacrifice their bodies too. and it's somewhat of an inspiration. they don't quit. one of my favourite moments was last year during skateboard big air. danny way who is one of the founders of the big air event (also the one who attempted a jump over the great wall of china) slammed so hard-got back up and when asked if he'd take his next runs, he replied- I'm taking every run. it was one of those amazing moments that actually can motivate you. yay for X Games.

so, i guess the deep thought for the day is brought to you by one of my students:
it's interesting when your students you've known and kind of taught for the past 4-5 years are now on their way to college and the subject of dating came up. i already know that i'm not a dating expert- i don't need to be informed of this but i don't think i'm a complete dud either.

so, most of my kids are going to Bible college. yeah, we've discussed what they think their future spouses will be like. i kind of listen and try not to laugh, but then i can't help it and laugh out loud. it's funny to me because i think i remember being that unrealistic-especially in college. and it's amazing how many kids want to marry someone that's perfect. seriously. or someone who can complete them.

oh yes, this is the kind of topic that begins 'parking lot convos with patty'. which is mostly called such because i can't hold my opinion to wherever we are going and thus end up having the conversation in the parking lot. and i came up with 2 things that i think are true: 1) if you're not comfortable alone, you never will be with anyone else because another person can't complete you. they weren't meant to and it's unfair to do that to put that pressure on them to be everything when it wasn't meant to be that way and 2) no one is perfect. i didn't come to that conclusion by dating someone and realising that "they aren't perfect but i can accept them the way they are". it was more of a "whoa, i'm not perfect and how dare i have the gall to ask for something that i'm not either". besides, aren't we all beautiful disasters trying to become better people everyday? well, we should be.

but as for my kids, they leave for college soon. i'll update within the year on how their dating lives turn out.

it could be interesting. ha!

love,
p

knock over my sandcastle and i'll kick you in the throat

so i got back from mexico a little over a week ago. it was okay. wasn't life-changing or anything, but it had some fun moments....and some not so fun moments of getting sick but i realised sometimes you just gotta puke. oh and also that after a fever breaks, that will make you feel appr
oximately 64% better than you were feeling.

it was a pretty small group that went. 6 guys and 4 girls. we were kind of segregated boys/girls for a while. we pretty much took a boy van and a girl van. so the boys decided to go to wal-mart without even asking us girls if we wanted to go. so, becca and i got bored and decided to duct tape their stuff to the ceiling.



but we also duct taped a note saying "we got bored. take us with you next time". i guess now's the time to mention that it was a high school missions trip which is kind of why i was allowed to do such. they did try to get us back by putting frogs in our room, but they didn't think that we're not freaked out by frogs.

anyway, we got to hand out bags of food to kids that lived in landfills and got to play with some kids at an orphanage. that was okay. but we had loads of free time. so it kind of felt like a vacation, but it was a really great intro for high school students into missions. we also got some beach time. after living in southern california for 2 years, then liberia, both places where i could look out of where i lived and see the ocean. i have desperately missed the beach. however, this was the first time i built a sandcastle. ours won. complete with watchtower, community swimming pool, and landfill. apparently, we were brooklyn.



the other team were the bronx and unfortunately couldn't get the moat to work:


the last group of the boys were to be manhattan (i don't know why we were NY, we didn't have anyone in our group from NY).


but now i actually have a respect for sandcastles and why you should never even think about knocking them over. it's a big deal. so, that's kind of the extent of mexico. now, on to find a job.

love,
p

i want to be like water

okay so where did i leave off? oh right. I love America.

i was initially working the gate for a couple of hours after help set some stuff up. but then that night we were supposed to have the amazing reggie dabbs speak. somewhere around 6:30-7, it starts to rain-bad. so every one has to get in their cars to take shelter, hopefully wait it out. so i get in a car with people who became new friends since my car was so far away and then i leave to find out what's going on. apparently people are saying everything is cancelled. i know reggie. nothing would be canceled on his watch.

so i find him, get to hang out with him and talk about mutual friends we have in florida. and it clears up a bit. he says he's going to speak. so he plays the saxophone and brings people back in. slowly, you see people coming back. then, he does the thriller tribute to michael jackson and probably 1,000 people are out there doing thriller. not correctly though. only savannah and i were the ones who knew how to actually do the dance. so we do it in the rain that has started to pick up a little bit.

after reggie speaks, it kind of starts to pour, but luckily, knowing the right people, i get on a golfcart and don't get as soaked, but what an experience. watching fireworks in the rain. and after having an h2h with my students. good times. as i was sitting in the golf cart watching the rain-the rain wasn't a bad thing. it was so nice-especially because it was so hot. it was refreshing to see rain-even if it drove people away.

and i thought back to a Liberia moment where my friend Taya and I were walking through the forest for what seemed like forever. we ran out of water the last day and when we got to the end, we couldn't care less if anyone picked us up to take us to base on time. we just wanted water. when we drank it, it was the most incredible thing i had ever tasted in that moment. it was what we needed to be refreshed.

water's also flexible. it can go anywhere and fit in places other things can't. i want to be like water.

on a horrible sidenote-considering that would've been a great note to end on-i'm going to mexico tomorrow for a week. this should be interesting. usually people go on multiple missions trips to realise they want to be overseas. i'm kind of going backwards-but that's just how i do things i guess. i'm going with my teenagers, so this should be interesting. we'll see what happens.

love,
patty

camp and i guess we like america

well, i guess i've kept myself busy this summer by hanging out with teenagers. they tend to make time go byquickly. i went to camp as a rec assistant last month and it was fun as it always is. here is a group pic of all the kids, counselors, and RAs we took to camp.


this was really a great camp. great speakers. no drama. except for autumn and katelyn who would sit on my bed singing, "wake me up before you go go" which they only knew a couple of lines to until 2 something in the morning while every one else was sleeping. i guess it's a good thing they're in junior high and still cute.

as always, camp was tiring but loads of fun. then we had the fourth of july. my church puts on a community event called i love america. this is what the stage look like-i stole this pic from my friend matt



but holy cow it was so hot that day this is the unattractive affects of heat exhaustion.

i'm going to write another post, because it's going to get too long.
i'll save your eyes.
love,
p

deja vu

if there is one thing i'm pretty positive about, it would be that i am not a poster child for what a mid-20 person is supposed to be. i mean i'm not established. i don't even have a fish.

it's kind of the same cycle of thoughts that i've had every time there is a lull in my life. lull being silence when i'm waiting to move on. over the past year or so, i think i've become more comfortable with silence than i used to be. until i have a moment of silence. i don't think i'll ever get used to waiting for what's next, not knowing. i'm pretty sure that will always be annoying to me. it always seems that when i all i want to do is to follow what i'm supposed to for the next moment, then there's silence and i'm lost.

again.

i guess the actual process of being lost isn't so bad. it's when the worry sets in and the thoughts come in that it gets bad. "hmm...what am i going to do in a month? how long am i here? am i going to be homeless? jobless? oh, crap. this sucks."

i used to be a worrier. i don't know exactly when it happened but i got to this point where i stopped worrying legitimately. i don't trust people very easily but i found this person that i trusted and He once said, "do not worry about tomorrow for today has enough trouble of its own". He really is trustworthy this guy. i stopped worrying for a couple of years. it seems that over the past couple of weeks, this worry has returned something fierce and i don't know why. it's one of those gnawing at your gut type worry where when you think about it long enough , you need to put your hands in the air and put your head between your legs while you're hyperventilating (well, maybe not that bad, but i like to look on the bright side that things can indeed get worse).

i guess i'm just made differently. i never asked for it. i mean it's like my life is a whole process of being ADD. i've been back in the states for over 6 months and it's something i can't shake. being in the same place for this long- even though i've moved within that 6 months. i'm not talking about just having an itch because i'm at the age where i can travel and i'm allowed to do so-i'm just unstable (even though i guess i prefer the term fluid-it makes it sound better). but i wonder if it just ever gets ridiculous? i MUST leave the country again.

i guess i get to the point where when people somewhat tease me about always leaving, about never being able to keep up with what i'm doing-i've gotten to the point to where i don't really have a comeback anymore. and your mom jokes no longer count as wit i've been told.

it's not like i don't trust that something will be provided and that i won't be exactly where i'm supposed to be, because i will be. it just flat out stinks when you have absolutely no control over what happens in your life for the next month much less 6 months much less year. it's always that long-drawn out process of learning-i mean haven't i learned enough? i might be a professional student but i don't NEED this! i don't like deja vu' because this looks awfully familiar. and if you're one of like the 3 people that read my blog-this probably looks familiar too. i promise i'll stop the insanity one day.as soon as i get an answer.

love,
p

to belong part I

be·long : to fit into a group naturally

you know, there's certain places you go and you just feel like it's natural. almost like it was meant to be from the beginning. kind of just like you belong. like the people you were with were put there to be with you.

5 months ago, i came back from liberia. it was really hard for me. harder than i think i could have ever imagined. first of all, i had no desire to be in dallas, where i would be living. i had no desire to even be in the states, but that's how it worked out. but i guess i had a harder time relating to people than i thought i would. i've always been a people person. i find people fascinating, but i've never had a problem relating to anyone no matter what the background.

i came back and didn't expect people to understand. but wasn't expecting myself to lose my related-ness. what am i supposed to say? "oh, yes, hello person wearing entirely way too much makeup with your useless stuff who tries to tell me stories about your 3 day missions trip to mexico in hopes to 'relate' back to me... please stop talking to me". i found it easier to just not say anything.

so, i came to the conclusion that i think people think i'm mean now. this is new for me. because i'm really not. really. mean that is. so i don't know how to convince people that i'm not.

now especially, with not knowing what will come in the next couple of months. i feel like i'm once again searching for where i belong. asking, "if what i hope doesn't work out, do i belong here?" or even asking, "where do i belong?" where am i understood?


as it is now 1 a.m., i'm putting this on pause and will write another post later. true, i could save the draft and post it later, but i just don't think i will. here you go. my thoughts for today.



love,
patty

maybe they should stick to coffee

guy on tv protesting at a tea party: (paraphrased by me):

"i'm protesting because i don't understand how a president who wants to be like abraham lincoln could do this! lincoln stood for liberty! our liberty is being taken away from high taxes.....etc. etc. etc."

fact: President Lincoln was the first president to incorporate a progressive income tax.

oh, my people.

it really is more than just a song

it's Good Friday. isn't it supposed to be like the day to blog and think deep thoughts about what this day represents? probably. just to preface, mine probably won't be that deep.

today, I remember what my Saviour, Jesus Christ did for me although i should remember every day sometimes it's one of those, "thanks God. You know I appreciate You. You know i wouldn't be here without You". but sometimes, it's good to really sit and remember that the God who made the entire universe is in love with me. He's in love with you too. c.s. lewis is my favourite and he wrote, "Christ died for men precisely because men are not worth dying for; to make them worth it". gosh that blows my mind. it blows my mind that the God who created things i can't even fathom cheers for me when i'm happy and when i'm confused or sad He puts His arms around me because He is concerned for me. wow.

In reading the Easter story, I came across Matthew 26:50. Matthew's account is probably my favourite because even when Judas betrays Jesus, Jesus still calls him Friend.

i'm usually anti-cliche' statements, and i think it's sad that it has almost become a statement that doesn't mean anything anymore when we say, "oh yeah God, thanks for sending Jesus to die for me and for raising Him from the dead" and we really don't think of everything that really meant. of everything that really means.

today, i am once again reminded that Amazing Grace is more than just a song because i'm the wretch that song talks about. i really was that miserable, despicable person who was saved by the overwhelming Love of an incredible God.

so,



i reflect on today...the day that made Sunday Good.

the interracial thoughts from the mixed girl

they say to never write when you're angry....or something like that. well, i may be a little upset, but the upside is that i'm not writing based on something that has happened to me recently, but to someone i care about.

so, i bring up a topic. i guess it's a question of race and dating. you date someone of a different race and they legitimately like you, but, you're not the right colour. funny thing is: happens when you date non-Christians, but just the same with Christians too.

then you have the other side-those that date you because you're the exotic girl. which...if that's your agenda-there are like at least 3 billion people in the world who are not of the same colour as you. pick them for your little exotic experiment.

what brings about this righteous indignation? or something like it? it can affect everyone-even a friend that's white who was dating someone not white and the other non-white had a problem. why? the parents had a problem.

why can't people not like people based on personality? tell me that i talk too much or that i'm too bossy or that i'm too spiritual. but do NOT under any circumstance when race is the case act like it's not just to ease your conscience.

i'm not naive. i lived in springfield, mo. for 4 years-ethnic population total of all minorities at the time was like 3%. i've dealt with people who have treated me badly or made the mistake of treating my parents badly because of race. it happens. i get it. but why? i can't even count the number of times it's happened. not just to me, but to legitimately good people and that's what makes me angry.

so i guess the question i pose is why does this even happen? if people aren't interested why can't we just not be interested? don't flirt, don't date when you know that nothing is going to happen in the first place. and as for not wanting to hurt the other person, either two things can happen 1) you already did or 2) they've been through it before and can't get hurt

or 2nd question-what makes it okay for someone to say: it's okay to date an asian, and maybe a native american, but not a black person. what's the difference? what's the line of what's okay to marry? it's all too confusing for this mixed chick to handle.

and if you think that way even if it's just way down deep in your subconscious: just know-you may be happy. but one day, you're going to look at your life and think, "i could've had better. if only i wasn't so stupid".

because it's mad

so, it's been awhile. i realise i don't do well with remembering to post when nothing is really going on in my life-so i guess i should make something happen. or maybe stuff happens all the time and i just don't consider it significant enough to really notice.

this past week i went home for an entire week. and it was soooo good. it's just nice to be with people you love. and i got to hang out with my teenagers from home. sometimes, you just have to hang out with teenagers. they teach you so much. and after watching them grow up, it helps you understand the people who watch you grow up.

then some friends and i shut down bww's with playing dutch blitz. who would've thought they would've loved it so much? and when i say shut down-i literally mean it-we were the last ones besides the staff to leave, but we didn't notice that everyone had left.

and then, welcome to march madness-you know i usually don't care about college basketball. you may not either. if you don't. make a bracket. you will care. trust me. especially the brackets where you play and you can win money. it's like free money for having prophetic moments. hence, how upset i was when like 5 of the teams i picked lost. i've never watched that much basketball in my life. maybe i have- but now i know why it's called march madness.

so, i'm back in T, trying to finish these last few weeks. then, it's official, i'm taking the next year at least, maybe 2 off from school. why just may be another post.

peace,
p

a rush of blood to the...fingers

so, i hope everyone had a good valentine's day-good in whatever way you wish to describe it. true, personally, i think it's a huge marketing scheme and hence don't really celebrate it, but i do try to get my mom and dad something because it somehow still surprises them and makes them happy. when they're happy i'm happy. but i apologize because you probably didn't ask for my opinion about valentine's day, but i decided to give it to you anyway.

so i've been in school for about 5 weeks. it's going i guess. i've found people who have given me hope as to the reason i'm here for this period of time. i've come to the conclusion that even if it's just for 3-4 people, it's worth it. i'm still not motivated which is so not like me, which makes me wonder if i've just relaxed so much to where i don't care, or if it's simply true- i really don't care. at least it's better than being the constant stressball i used to be. that's when it's nice to know that when Jesus said, "come to me and i will give you rest" He really meant it, well, not that He doesn't mean everything He says-but that's definitely one I find true all the time.

i've had kind of some down time lately-which is kind of dangerous, because it leaves me to think. a lot. like just think. about things. one of the things i have decided is to play the piano again. i realised the other day when someone thought i was being humble-which i hope i usually am- about my playing that i don't know if i know how to play anymore. here i was-winner of keyboard solo for oklahoma, in the top whatever percent classically in the state-at every competition and every piano camp (don't make fun of me) and i really enjoyed it. sure, i played for church groups usually when someone wouldn't show up because i can hear the tune and pretty much get it, but the challenge was gone. i still remember the rush at piano camp of playing a piece so well, i KNEW that Lecuona was clapping for me beyond the grave. it was the challenge that gave me the rush. before long, i didn't even notice that i was barely playing anymore.

then i wonder. what makes us lose the rush of the challenge as we get (fill in the blank here: older, more comfortable, etc, etc). why do start settling for mundane? why do we decide to be with the boring person? because it's easier? because it's cheaper? why?

have no fear. i have not turned boring, dear friends. but know that decisions will be made soon. it's going to get interesting.

~p

say it johnny

Take out of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walkin' like a one man army
Fightin' with the shadows in your head
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead
if you could only

Say what you need to say

Have no fear for givin' in
Have no fear for givin' over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shakin'
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closin'
Do it with a heart wide open
A wide heart

Say what you need to say
-John Mayer

you know, this past week, i've learned a valuable lesson. that life is really short. that i never want to look back and wish i would've spent more time with the people i love. that i would've talked more with the people i love. that i would actually tell people i love that yes, i indeed do love you. to tell people i don't even know that yes, Someone indeed does love them. i'm really not good at saying stuff like that but i've always considered myself guarded in that respect. so this week especially, i've taken it to heart. maybe that's what we're all called to do. life is short. it may take a while to get to everyone to tell them personally-but i'm really glad you're in my life.

love always,
~P

satan lives in texas

i've always thought of myself as adaptable. i've lived/studied/worked on 4 different continents. that proves adaptability right? yet, i find it harder to live places that are unfamiliar in the states. or maybe it's just harder to live in texas-cause satan lives here too.

see last week i moved here and it just wasn't a good week ya know, my old housing coordinator i worked with as an RA at Pepperdine passed away along with my old pastor on the same day and then on top of it all, i move to texas. i get here and share a room with a girl on campus and it's just a situation where i can't live there, even though she was a really sweet person. i hate the campus, i hate the state. everything is screaming i don't want to be here. which causes me to not understand.

i couldn't figure out why i didn't have a peace about something i loved to do. hence, i didn't do it, then why would i be here and everything go wrong? it just didn't make sense! i was living on campus with this junior in college-it was weird because i could tell that i made her uncomfortable by being in her space. my profs were "blown away" that i had gone to pepperdine, which was also uncomfortable. although i'm an extrovert, i don't like being the center of attention.

so then, i came to the conclusion that i should just suck it up because i'm only going to be here for 4 months and counting down. and then, came the revelation...

my family is the most important thing in my life. i would die for them, i would do anything for them and i always said, if i had to choose between something i love and my family (if they needed me), i'd pick my family. well, the time arrived and all the signs were pointing to what i had to do, but i kept trying, kept complaining because it's not what I wanted. oh, i went through the motions of i'm staying here for my family, but i wasn't happy about it because i'm an idiot and for some reason thought the woe is me attitude for the moment was attractive (not).

In Jeremiah 29, I found people just like me. The Israelites were in Babylon (which could be texas). They didn't really like it there either. They were going to suck it up and be there only for as long as necessary. But then the LORD said, "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. marry and have sons and daughters..also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile".

hmmm....they weren't just supposed to throw ashes in the air and say woe is me. they were supposed to LIVE. maybe God was saying, "if you give it a chance it won't be half bad, it may even turn out to be a really great time"