deja vu

if there is one thing i'm pretty positive about, it would be that i am not a poster child for what a mid-20 person is supposed to be. i mean i'm not established. i don't even have a fish.

it's kind of the same cycle of thoughts that i've had every time there is a lull in my life. lull being silence when i'm waiting to move on. over the past year or so, i think i've become more comfortable with silence than i used to be. until i have a moment of silence. i don't think i'll ever get used to waiting for what's next, not knowing. i'm pretty sure that will always be annoying to me. it always seems that when i all i want to do is to follow what i'm supposed to for the next moment, then there's silence and i'm lost.

again.

i guess the actual process of being lost isn't so bad. it's when the worry sets in and the thoughts come in that it gets bad. "hmm...what am i going to do in a month? how long am i here? am i going to be homeless? jobless? oh, crap. this sucks."

i used to be a worrier. i don't know exactly when it happened but i got to this point where i stopped worrying legitimately. i don't trust people very easily but i found this person that i trusted and He once said, "do not worry about tomorrow for today has enough trouble of its own". He really is trustworthy this guy. i stopped worrying for a couple of years. it seems that over the past couple of weeks, this worry has returned something fierce and i don't know why. it's one of those gnawing at your gut type worry where when you think about it long enough , you need to put your hands in the air and put your head between your legs while you're hyperventilating (well, maybe not that bad, but i like to look on the bright side that things can indeed get worse).

i guess i'm just made differently. i never asked for it. i mean it's like my life is a whole process of being ADD. i've been back in the states for over 6 months and it's something i can't shake. being in the same place for this long- even though i've moved within that 6 months. i'm not talking about just having an itch because i'm at the age where i can travel and i'm allowed to do so-i'm just unstable (even though i guess i prefer the term fluid-it makes it sound better). but i wonder if it just ever gets ridiculous? i MUST leave the country again.

i guess i get to the point where when people somewhat tease me about always leaving, about never being able to keep up with what i'm doing-i've gotten to the point to where i don't really have a comeback anymore. and your mom jokes no longer count as wit i've been told.

it's not like i don't trust that something will be provided and that i won't be exactly where i'm supposed to be, because i will be. it just flat out stinks when you have absolutely no control over what happens in your life for the next month much less 6 months much less year. it's always that long-drawn out process of learning-i mean haven't i learned enough? i might be a professional student but i don't NEED this! i don't like deja vu' because this looks awfully familiar. and if you're one of like the 3 people that read my blog-this probably looks familiar too. i promise i'll stop the insanity one day.as soon as i get an answer.

love,
p

to belong part I

be·long : to fit into a group naturally

you know, there's certain places you go and you just feel like it's natural. almost like it was meant to be from the beginning. kind of just like you belong. like the people you were with were put there to be with you.

5 months ago, i came back from liberia. it was really hard for me. harder than i think i could have ever imagined. first of all, i had no desire to be in dallas, where i would be living. i had no desire to even be in the states, but that's how it worked out. but i guess i had a harder time relating to people than i thought i would. i've always been a people person. i find people fascinating, but i've never had a problem relating to anyone no matter what the background.

i came back and didn't expect people to understand. but wasn't expecting myself to lose my related-ness. what am i supposed to say? "oh, yes, hello person wearing entirely way too much makeup with your useless stuff who tries to tell me stories about your 3 day missions trip to mexico in hopes to 'relate' back to me... please stop talking to me". i found it easier to just not say anything.

so, i came to the conclusion that i think people think i'm mean now. this is new for me. because i'm really not. really. mean that is. so i don't know how to convince people that i'm not.

now especially, with not knowing what will come in the next couple of months. i feel like i'm once again searching for where i belong. asking, "if what i hope doesn't work out, do i belong here?" or even asking, "where do i belong?" where am i understood?


as it is now 1 a.m., i'm putting this on pause and will write another post later. true, i could save the draft and post it later, but i just don't think i will. here you go. my thoughts for today.



love,
patty

maybe they should stick to coffee

guy on tv protesting at a tea party: (paraphrased by me):

"i'm protesting because i don't understand how a president who wants to be like abraham lincoln could do this! lincoln stood for liberty! our liberty is being taken away from high taxes.....etc. etc. etc."

fact: President Lincoln was the first president to incorporate a progressive income tax.

oh, my people.

it really is more than just a song

it's Good Friday. isn't it supposed to be like the day to blog and think deep thoughts about what this day represents? probably. just to preface, mine probably won't be that deep.

today, I remember what my Saviour, Jesus Christ did for me although i should remember every day sometimes it's one of those, "thanks God. You know I appreciate You. You know i wouldn't be here without You". but sometimes, it's good to really sit and remember that the God who made the entire universe is in love with me. He's in love with you too. c.s. lewis is my favourite and he wrote, "Christ died for men precisely because men are not worth dying for; to make them worth it". gosh that blows my mind. it blows my mind that the God who created things i can't even fathom cheers for me when i'm happy and when i'm confused or sad He puts His arms around me because He is concerned for me. wow.

In reading the Easter story, I came across Matthew 26:50. Matthew's account is probably my favourite because even when Judas betrays Jesus, Jesus still calls him Friend.

i'm usually anti-cliche' statements, and i think it's sad that it has almost become a statement that doesn't mean anything anymore when we say, "oh yeah God, thanks for sending Jesus to die for me and for raising Him from the dead" and we really don't think of everything that really meant. of everything that really means.

today, i am once again reminded that Amazing Grace is more than just a song because i'm the wretch that song talks about. i really was that miserable, despicable person who was saved by the overwhelming Love of an incredible God.

so,



i reflect on today...the day that made Sunday Good.

the interracial thoughts from the mixed girl

they say to never write when you're angry....or something like that. well, i may be a little upset, but the upside is that i'm not writing based on something that has happened to me recently, but to someone i care about.

so, i bring up a topic. i guess it's a question of race and dating. you date someone of a different race and they legitimately like you, but, you're not the right colour. funny thing is: happens when you date non-Christians, but just the same with Christians too.

then you have the other side-those that date you because you're the exotic girl. which...if that's your agenda-there are like at least 3 billion people in the world who are not of the same colour as you. pick them for your little exotic experiment.

what brings about this righteous indignation? or something like it? it can affect everyone-even a friend that's white who was dating someone not white and the other non-white had a problem. why? the parents had a problem.

why can't people not like people based on personality? tell me that i talk too much or that i'm too bossy or that i'm too spiritual. but do NOT under any circumstance when race is the case act like it's not just to ease your conscience.

i'm not naive. i lived in springfield, mo. for 4 years-ethnic population total of all minorities at the time was like 3%. i've dealt with people who have treated me badly or made the mistake of treating my parents badly because of race. it happens. i get it. but why? i can't even count the number of times it's happened. not just to me, but to legitimately good people and that's what makes me angry.

so i guess the question i pose is why does this even happen? if people aren't interested why can't we just not be interested? don't flirt, don't date when you know that nothing is going to happen in the first place. and as for not wanting to hurt the other person, either two things can happen 1) you already did or 2) they've been through it before and can't get hurt

or 2nd question-what makes it okay for someone to say: it's okay to date an asian, and maybe a native american, but not a black person. what's the difference? what's the line of what's okay to marry? it's all too confusing for this mixed chick to handle.

and if you think that way even if it's just way down deep in your subconscious: just know-you may be happy. but one day, you're going to look at your life and think, "i could've had better. if only i wasn't so stupid".

because it's mad

so, it's been awhile. i realise i don't do well with remembering to post when nothing is really going on in my life-so i guess i should make something happen. or maybe stuff happens all the time and i just don't consider it significant enough to really notice.

this past week i went home for an entire week. and it was soooo good. it's just nice to be with people you love. and i got to hang out with my teenagers from home. sometimes, you just have to hang out with teenagers. they teach you so much. and after watching them grow up, it helps you understand the people who watch you grow up.

then some friends and i shut down bww's with playing dutch blitz. who would've thought they would've loved it so much? and when i say shut down-i literally mean it-we were the last ones besides the staff to leave, but we didn't notice that everyone had left.

and then, welcome to march madness-you know i usually don't care about college basketball. you may not either. if you don't. make a bracket. you will care. trust me. especially the brackets where you play and you can win money. it's like free money for having prophetic moments. hence, how upset i was when like 5 of the teams i picked lost. i've never watched that much basketball in my life. maybe i have- but now i know why it's called march madness.

so, i'm back in T, trying to finish these last few weeks. then, it's official, i'm taking the next year at least, maybe 2 off from school. why just may be another post.

peace,
p

a rush of blood to the...fingers

so, i hope everyone had a good valentine's day-good in whatever way you wish to describe it. true, personally, i think it's a huge marketing scheme and hence don't really celebrate it, but i do try to get my mom and dad something because it somehow still surprises them and makes them happy. when they're happy i'm happy. but i apologize because you probably didn't ask for my opinion about valentine's day, but i decided to give it to you anyway.

so i've been in school for about 5 weeks. it's going i guess. i've found people who have given me hope as to the reason i'm here for this period of time. i've come to the conclusion that even if it's just for 3-4 people, it's worth it. i'm still not motivated which is so not like me, which makes me wonder if i've just relaxed so much to where i don't care, or if it's simply true- i really don't care. at least it's better than being the constant stressball i used to be. that's when it's nice to know that when Jesus said, "come to me and i will give you rest" He really meant it, well, not that He doesn't mean everything He says-but that's definitely one I find true all the time.

i've had kind of some down time lately-which is kind of dangerous, because it leaves me to think. a lot. like just think. about things. one of the things i have decided is to play the piano again. i realised the other day when someone thought i was being humble-which i hope i usually am- about my playing that i don't know if i know how to play anymore. here i was-winner of keyboard solo for oklahoma, in the top whatever percent classically in the state-at every competition and every piano camp (don't make fun of me) and i really enjoyed it. sure, i played for church groups usually when someone wouldn't show up because i can hear the tune and pretty much get it, but the challenge was gone. i still remember the rush at piano camp of playing a piece so well, i KNEW that Lecuona was clapping for me beyond the grave. it was the challenge that gave me the rush. before long, i didn't even notice that i was barely playing anymore.

then i wonder. what makes us lose the rush of the challenge as we get (fill in the blank here: older, more comfortable, etc, etc). why do start settling for mundane? why do we decide to be with the boring person? because it's easier? because it's cheaper? why?

have no fear. i have not turned boring, dear friends. but know that decisions will be made soon. it's going to get interesting.

~p