because it's mad

so, it's been awhile. i realise i don't do well with remembering to post when nothing is really going on in my life-so i guess i should make something happen. or maybe stuff happens all the time and i just don't consider it significant enough to really notice.

this past week i went home for an entire week. and it was soooo good. it's just nice to be with people you love. and i got to hang out with my teenagers from home. sometimes, you just have to hang out with teenagers. they teach you so much. and after watching them grow up, it helps you understand the people who watch you grow up.

then some friends and i shut down bww's with playing dutch blitz. who would've thought they would've loved it so much? and when i say shut down-i literally mean it-we were the last ones besides the staff to leave, but we didn't notice that everyone had left.

and then, welcome to march madness-you know i usually don't care about college basketball. you may not either. if you don't. make a bracket. you will care. trust me. especially the brackets where you play and you can win money. it's like free money for having prophetic moments. hence, how upset i was when like 5 of the teams i picked lost. i've never watched that much basketball in my life. maybe i have- but now i know why it's called march madness.

so, i'm back in T, trying to finish these last few weeks. then, it's official, i'm taking the next year at least, maybe 2 off from school. why just may be another post.

peace,
p

a rush of blood to the...fingers

so, i hope everyone had a good valentine's day-good in whatever way you wish to describe it. true, personally, i think it's a huge marketing scheme and hence don't really celebrate it, but i do try to get my mom and dad something because it somehow still surprises them and makes them happy. when they're happy i'm happy. but i apologize because you probably didn't ask for my opinion about valentine's day, but i decided to give it to you anyway.

so i've been in school for about 5 weeks. it's going i guess. i've found people who have given me hope as to the reason i'm here for this period of time. i've come to the conclusion that even if it's just for 3-4 people, it's worth it. i'm still not motivated which is so not like me, which makes me wonder if i've just relaxed so much to where i don't care, or if it's simply true- i really don't care. at least it's better than being the constant stressball i used to be. that's when it's nice to know that when Jesus said, "come to me and i will give you rest" He really meant it, well, not that He doesn't mean everything He says-but that's definitely one I find true all the time.

i've had kind of some down time lately-which is kind of dangerous, because it leaves me to think. a lot. like just think. about things. one of the things i have decided is to play the piano again. i realised the other day when someone thought i was being humble-which i hope i usually am- about my playing that i don't know if i know how to play anymore. here i was-winner of keyboard solo for oklahoma, in the top whatever percent classically in the state-at every competition and every piano camp (don't make fun of me) and i really enjoyed it. sure, i played for church groups usually when someone wouldn't show up because i can hear the tune and pretty much get it, but the challenge was gone. i still remember the rush at piano camp of playing a piece so well, i KNEW that Lecuona was clapping for me beyond the grave. it was the challenge that gave me the rush. before long, i didn't even notice that i was barely playing anymore.

then i wonder. what makes us lose the rush of the challenge as we get (fill in the blank here: older, more comfortable, etc, etc). why do start settling for mundane? why do we decide to be with the boring person? because it's easier? because it's cheaper? why?

have no fear. i have not turned boring, dear friends. but know that decisions will be made soon. it's going to get interesting.

~p

say it johnny

Take out of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walkin' like a one man army
Fightin' with the shadows in your head
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead
if you could only

Say what you need to say

Have no fear for givin' in
Have no fear for givin' over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shakin'
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closin'
Do it with a heart wide open
A wide heart

Say what you need to say
-John Mayer

you know, this past week, i've learned a valuable lesson. that life is really short. that i never want to look back and wish i would've spent more time with the people i love. that i would've talked more with the people i love. that i would actually tell people i love that yes, i indeed do love you. to tell people i don't even know that yes, Someone indeed does love them. i'm really not good at saying stuff like that but i've always considered myself guarded in that respect. so this week especially, i've taken it to heart. maybe that's what we're all called to do. life is short. it may take a while to get to everyone to tell them personally-but i'm really glad you're in my life.

love always,
~P

satan lives in texas

i've always thought of myself as adaptable. i've lived/studied/worked on 4 different continents. that proves adaptability right? yet, i find it harder to live places that are unfamiliar in the states. or maybe it's just harder to live in texas-cause satan lives here too.

see last week i moved here and it just wasn't a good week ya know, my old housing coordinator i worked with as an RA at Pepperdine passed away along with my old pastor on the same day and then on top of it all, i move to texas. i get here and share a room with a girl on campus and it's just a situation where i can't live there, even though she was a really sweet person. i hate the campus, i hate the state. everything is screaming i don't want to be here. which causes me to not understand.

i couldn't figure out why i didn't have a peace about something i loved to do. hence, i didn't do it, then why would i be here and everything go wrong? it just didn't make sense! i was living on campus with this junior in college-it was weird because i could tell that i made her uncomfortable by being in her space. my profs were "blown away" that i had gone to pepperdine, which was also uncomfortable. although i'm an extrovert, i don't like being the center of attention.

so then, i came to the conclusion that i should just suck it up because i'm only going to be here for 4 months and counting down. and then, came the revelation...

my family is the most important thing in my life. i would die for them, i would do anything for them and i always said, if i had to choose between something i love and my family (if they needed me), i'd pick my family. well, the time arrived and all the signs were pointing to what i had to do, but i kept trying, kept complaining because it's not what I wanted. oh, i went through the motions of i'm staying here for my family, but i wasn't happy about it because i'm an idiot and for some reason thought the woe is me attitude for the moment was attractive (not).

In Jeremiah 29, I found people just like me. The Israelites were in Babylon (which could be texas). They didn't really like it there either. They were going to suck it up and be there only for as long as necessary. But then the LORD said, "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. marry and have sons and daughters..also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile".

hmmm....they weren't just supposed to throw ashes in the air and say woe is me. they were supposed to LIVE. maybe God was saying, "if you give it a chance it won't be half bad, it may even turn out to be a really great time"

torn part II

i think sometimes you just have to say, "you know what God? whatever". not in a valley girl voice or not really like a punk teenager would talk to a young adult because maybe God would find that rude....then again, maybe not. i'll have to ask Him that one day.

but it's more of a "okay, God...whatever is supposed to be will be". sometimes, i get super bummed because things look like they are not working out like i want them to and then you just feel mopey. like annoyingly mopey. in case you're wondering, yes, it has happened before.

but then, i remember that you know what? God's plan hasn't changed, though it looks like everything else has...the only thing that has changed is the way i see it.

so i just need to relax

~p

torn

i like quotes. i think we all do. it somewhat gives you self-satisfaction when you can find one, knowing that someone brilliant feels as you do. there's one by mark twain that says:

"twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did so. so throw off the bowlines. sail away from the safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails. explore. dream. discover"

i've always thought of that as my advocate for going away and working elsewhere. but what if he's also talking about staying? for me, sailing away for the safe harbor is staying.

where is the line between doing what you want to do and what you have to do?

i guess it's true, twenty years from now, i don't want to be disappointed in what i chose to not do.

to be continued....

~p

it is now december

i know that i'm a contradiction. i don't mind. being home is nice. one thing i love about oklahoma is that unlike most states, it's quite slow-paced, but not so slow paced that you feel as though your mind is super slow (or super hick-well at least not all of the time). but then it has things that annoys me like, a lack of recycling centers and the fact that people don't really care about what's going on in the world at all.



a couple of weeks ago, the attacks happened in mumbai, and as americans typically do, we put it on the news for about 3 days or until "something more newsworthy" comes on. i think that's an american thing. we continually run off of emotion. that's one thing that i'm not too fond of america for. and here we are, once again-we've forgotten that anything has happened.



i guess you can say how i see tragedies as such, has changed since september 13th, when i was affected by the train crash in L.A. see, it's then you realise that the people that died, just aren't people out there. they are people's fathers, husbands, mothers, wives, daughters and sons. and their lives are gone for a senseless reason. families are torn apart, lives are forever changed and for what? whether in mumbai for reasons of terror or in LA because someone was texting while driving a train full of the day's commuters.

then it makes you wonder about the pure badness in the world. why does it have to be this way? i know the reason that we live in a fallen world and who am i to think that just because i follow the One who made the world good, that i'm supposed to be free from things that others face? (little note to read byzantium if you haven't) no. and i know better than that-look at my life to see that, but sometimes, i just have to verbally say or write down my thoughts because it puts things into perspective. i'm glad i serve a God that can take my questions, who is big enough to handle me when i get angry and frustrated with Him and don't understand the world and why it is so. but then He reminds me that He is good. and i can choose to bring good where i am or to bring badness which is spoiled goodness. most of all, He reminds me just how awesome Heaven is going to be.

~P