satan lives in texas

i've always thought of myself as adaptable. i've lived/studied/worked on 4 different continents. that proves adaptability right? yet, i find it harder to live places that are unfamiliar in the states. or maybe it's just harder to live in texas-cause satan lives here too.

see last week i moved here and it just wasn't a good week ya know, my old housing coordinator i worked with as an RA at Pepperdine passed away along with my old pastor on the same day and then on top of it all, i move to texas. i get here and share a room with a girl on campus and it's just a situation where i can't live there, even though she was a really sweet person. i hate the campus, i hate the state. everything is screaming i don't want to be here. which causes me to not understand.

i couldn't figure out why i didn't have a peace about something i loved to do. hence, i didn't do it, then why would i be here and everything go wrong? it just didn't make sense! i was living on campus with this junior in college-it was weird because i could tell that i made her uncomfortable by being in her space. my profs were "blown away" that i had gone to pepperdine, which was also uncomfortable. although i'm an extrovert, i don't like being the center of attention.

so then, i came to the conclusion that i should just suck it up because i'm only going to be here for 4 months and counting down. and then, came the revelation...

my family is the most important thing in my life. i would die for them, i would do anything for them and i always said, if i had to choose between something i love and my family (if they needed me), i'd pick my family. well, the time arrived and all the signs were pointing to what i had to do, but i kept trying, kept complaining because it's not what I wanted. oh, i went through the motions of i'm staying here for my family, but i wasn't happy about it because i'm an idiot and for some reason thought the woe is me attitude for the moment was attractive (not).

In Jeremiah 29, I found people just like me. The Israelites were in Babylon (which could be texas). They didn't really like it there either. They were going to suck it up and be there only for as long as necessary. But then the LORD said, "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. marry and have sons and daughters..also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile".

hmmm....they weren't just supposed to throw ashes in the air and say woe is me. they were supposed to LIVE. maybe God was saying, "if you give it a chance it won't be half bad, it may even turn out to be a really great time"

torn part II

i think sometimes you just have to say, "you know what God? whatever". not in a valley girl voice or not really like a punk teenager would talk to a young adult because maybe God would find that rude....then again, maybe not. i'll have to ask Him that one day.

but it's more of a "okay, God...whatever is supposed to be will be". sometimes, i get super bummed because things look like they are not working out like i want them to and then you just feel mopey. like annoyingly mopey. in case you're wondering, yes, it has happened before.

but then, i remember that you know what? God's plan hasn't changed, though it looks like everything else has...the only thing that has changed is the way i see it.

so i just need to relax

~p

torn

i like quotes. i think we all do. it somewhat gives you self-satisfaction when you can find one, knowing that someone brilliant feels as you do. there's one by mark twain that says:

"twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did so. so throw off the bowlines. sail away from the safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails. explore. dream. discover"

i've always thought of that as my advocate for going away and working elsewhere. but what if he's also talking about staying? for me, sailing away for the safe harbor is staying.

where is the line between doing what you want to do and what you have to do?

i guess it's true, twenty years from now, i don't want to be disappointed in what i chose to not do.

to be continued....

~p

it is now december

i know that i'm a contradiction. i don't mind. being home is nice. one thing i love about oklahoma is that unlike most states, it's quite slow-paced, but not so slow paced that you feel as though your mind is super slow (or super hick-well at least not all of the time). but then it has things that annoys me like, a lack of recycling centers and the fact that people don't really care about what's going on in the world at all.



a couple of weeks ago, the attacks happened in mumbai, and as americans typically do, we put it on the news for about 3 days or until "something more newsworthy" comes on. i think that's an american thing. we continually run off of emotion. that's one thing that i'm not too fond of america for. and here we are, once again-we've forgotten that anything has happened.



i guess you can say how i see tragedies as such, has changed since september 13th, when i was affected by the train crash in L.A. see, it's then you realise that the people that died, just aren't people out there. they are people's fathers, husbands, mothers, wives, daughters and sons. and their lives are gone for a senseless reason. families are torn apart, lives are forever changed and for what? whether in mumbai for reasons of terror or in LA because someone was texting while driving a train full of the day's commuters.

then it makes you wonder about the pure badness in the world. why does it have to be this way? i know the reason that we live in a fallen world and who am i to think that just because i follow the One who made the world good, that i'm supposed to be free from things that others face? (little note to read byzantium if you haven't) no. and i know better than that-look at my life to see that, but sometimes, i just have to verbally say or write down my thoughts because it puts things into perspective. i'm glad i serve a God that can take my questions, who is big enough to handle me when i get angry and frustrated with Him and don't understand the world and why it is so. but then He reminds me that He is good. and i can choose to bring good where i am or to bring badness which is spoiled goodness. most of all, He reminds me just how awesome Heaven is going to be.

~P

random t-day thoughts

1. ah. thanksgiving. i've really missed thanksgivings at home. you may think it's because it's something extravagant....um, no. see, our thanksgivings consist of me only cooking the hot rolls and doing the dishes-i've been doing it since i was 6, why change tradition? then, we eat, mostly in our pajamas (my dad is usually the only one who is dressed enough to actually leave the house looking decent). we watched bizarre foods and watched him eat a fish eye while eating our turkey...then about 10 minutes after dishes were done, we were all asleep. thank you triptofan. that's a t-day at home. and i love it. comfort of home-being who you truly are with people who truly are themselves because that's just how you love them.

2. chasing daylight- reading the book written by my former pastor. ERM. good stuff. he talks about how we are CALLED to live a life of adventure and how what we do with each moment affects future moments. this is your moment. and my moment too. i've been determined to not let this moment pass....i try to make my mom laugh as much as possible, hang out with my teenagers, watch entirely way too much football with my dad, tell the people i truly love that i love them every time i see them.

he also talks about art and how each moment captured really is motion captured. we often capture the moment and leave it at that. but there is so much more behind that moment, it's moving. that was an ego booster since i would always spend time at the getty when i lived in LA, analyzing things until my feet would kill me...hm, good to know that i don't have an analytical problem...i still may, but i digress.

2a. since it's a part of the book too. i am the epitamy of a daydreamer- have been since i was kid. since i'm a really great multi-tasker, i can even daydream while doing about 4 other things at once. often think about the future or what i'm exactly going to say to that person who made a decision that he/she is not happy with and wants to tell me about. or i daydream about what i'm going to do when, what my life will be like. it's quite addicting, daydreaming. not that it's all bad. but sometimes, you just need to be in this moment. yeah, i like that.

i'm actually so much at peace with the idea of letting go of things because sometimes letting go leaves a better grip.

and on a simplier note, you just can't sit on your thumbs and wait for nothing to happen. cause that gets boring.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Love,
~P

yum. turkey

well, i have safely returned home. it's quite nice. sometimes you forget what home really means until you get there. this has been the first trip i've come back from where i've had the most trouble with jet lag. but that is finally over and now it's time to get used to other things. i guess in time i'll become more stylish like i used to be, will actually take my buff off at some points in time and wear the unusual thing called make up again. but then again, maybe not.


the thought of coming home always brings up mixed feelings. here you are surrounded by people who knew you before but will it be the same? i've left and i've changed but what else has changed? will home be the same? will home have changed? or is it just me that has changed? what will people think of the change? will people even understand?

i came home with all these questions and got one answer that was easier and more pleasant than what i was expecting. and that is that there are people at home that love me more than i could ever hope for. and that is pretty much all you need. that love has answered all of my questions. sure i've changed and sure things have changed here too. but change isn't bad.

next week is thanksgiving and boy do i have a lot to be thankful for. this is my first thanksgiving at home since 2005. and to spend it with the people that i love the most in the whole world is quite a blessing. i'm lucky to love every moment of my life. to have friends all over the world who are determined to change their world and expect nothing less of me either. and a family who would support me even if i wanted to be the president of some small south american country. so happy thanksgiving everyone.

may you be reminded of many reasons to be thankful.

~P

leaving on a big plane

i leave this beautiful country tomorrow. still not sure if i will be back for sure in january or not. am reminded of a prayer i found that sums up what this moment in my life (the moment of being in Liberia) has meant:

O God, our Father, we thank You for this day.
We thank You for those who have given us guidance, counsel advice and good example.
We thank You for those in whose company the sun shone even in the rain, and who brought a smile to our faces even when things were grim.
We thank You for those in whose company the frightening things were not so alarming, and the hard things not so difficult.
We thank You for those whose presence saved us from falling to temptation, and enabled us to do the right.
We thank You for those whom it is joy to be with, and in whose company the hours pass all too quickly.
We thank You for happy times to be to us forever happy memories.
We thank You for times of failure to keep us humble, and to make us remember how much we need You.
Most of all we thank You for Jesus Christ, who in the daytime is our friend and our companion and who in the night is our pillow and our peace.
Hear this our evening thanksgiving for Your love's sake
~William Barclay

So be it.