1. ah. thanksgiving. i've really missed thanksgivings at home. you may think it's because it's something extravagant....um, no. see, our thanksgivings consist of me only cooking the hot rolls and doing the dishes-i've been doing it since i was 6, why change tradition? then, we eat, mostly in our pajamas (my dad is usually the only one who is dressed enough to actually leave the house looking decent). we watched bizarre foods and watched him eat a fish eye while eating our turkey...then about 10 minutes after dishes were done, we were all asleep. thank you triptofan. that's a t-day at home. and i love it. comfort of home-being who you truly are with people who truly are themselves because that's just how you love them.
2. chasing daylight- reading the book written by my former pastor. ERM. good stuff. he talks about how we are CALLED to live a life of adventure and how what we do with each moment affects future moments. this is your moment. and my moment too. i've been determined to not let this moment pass....i try to make my mom laugh as much as possible, hang out with my teenagers, watch entirely way too much football with my dad, tell the people i truly love that i love them every time i see them.
he also talks about art and how each moment captured really is motion captured. we often capture the moment and leave it at that. but there is so much more behind that moment, it's moving. that was an ego booster since i would always spend time at the getty when i lived in LA, analyzing things until my feet would kill me...hm, good to know that i don't have an analytical problem...i still may, but i digress.
2a. since it's a part of the book too. i am the epitamy of a daydreamer- have been since i was kid. since i'm a really great multi-tasker, i can even daydream while doing about 4 other things at once. often think about the future or what i'm exactly going to say to that person who made a decision that he/she is not happy with and wants to tell me about. or i daydream about what i'm going to do when, what my life will be like. it's quite addicting, daydreaming. not that it's all bad. but sometimes, you just need to be in this moment. yeah, i like that.
i'm actually so much at peace with the idea of letting go of things because sometimes letting go leaves a better grip.
and on a simplier note, you just can't sit on your thumbs and wait for nothing to happen. cause that gets boring.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Love,
~P
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
yum. turkey
well, i have safely returned home. it's quite nice. sometimes you forget what home really means until you get there. this has been the first trip i've come back from where i've had the most trouble with jet lag. but that is finally over and now it's time to get used to other things. i guess in time i'll become more stylish like i used to be, will actually take my buff off at some points in time and wear the unusual thing called make up again. but then again, maybe not.
the thought of coming home always brings up mixed feelings. here you are surrounded by people who knew you before but will it be the same? i've left and i've changed but what else has changed? will home be the same? will home have changed? or is it just me that has changed? what will people think of the change? will people even understand?
i came home with all these questions and got one answer that was easier and more pleasant than what i was expecting. and that is that there are people at home that love me more than i could ever hope for. and that is pretty much all you need. that love has answered all of my questions. sure i've changed and sure things have changed here too. but change isn't bad.
next week is thanksgiving and boy do i have a lot to be thankful for. this is my first thanksgiving at home since 2005. and to spend it with the people that i love the most in the whole world is quite a blessing. i'm lucky to love every moment of my life. to have friends all over the world who are determined to change their world and expect nothing less of me either. and a family who would support me even if i wanted to be the president of some small south american country. so happy thanksgiving everyone.
may you be reminded of many reasons to be thankful.
~P
the thought of coming home always brings up mixed feelings. here you are surrounded by people who knew you before but will it be the same? i've left and i've changed but what else has changed? will home be the same? will home have changed? or is it just me that has changed? what will people think of the change? will people even understand?
i came home with all these questions and got one answer that was easier and more pleasant than what i was expecting. and that is that there are people at home that love me more than i could ever hope for. and that is pretty much all you need. that love has answered all of my questions. sure i've changed and sure things have changed here too. but change isn't bad.
next week is thanksgiving and boy do i have a lot to be thankful for. this is my first thanksgiving at home since 2005. and to spend it with the people that i love the most in the whole world is quite a blessing. i'm lucky to love every moment of my life. to have friends all over the world who are determined to change their world and expect nothing less of me either. and a family who would support me even if i wanted to be the president of some small south american country. so happy thanksgiving everyone.
may you be reminded of many reasons to be thankful.
~P
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
leaving on a big plane
i leave this beautiful country tomorrow. still not sure if i will be back for sure in january or not. am reminded of a prayer i found that sums up what this moment in my life (the moment of being in Liberia) has meant:
O God, our Father, we thank You for this day.
We thank You for those who have given us guidance, counsel advice and good example.
We thank You for those in whose company the sun shone even in the rain, and who brought a smile to our faces even when things were grim.
We thank You for those in whose company the frightening things were not so alarming, and the hard things not so difficult.
We thank You for those whose presence saved us from falling to temptation, and enabled us to do the right.
We thank You for those whom it is joy to be with, and in whose company the hours pass all too quickly.
We thank You for happy times to be to us forever happy memories.
We thank You for times of failure to keep us humble, and to make us remember how much we need You.
Most of all we thank You for Jesus Christ, who in the daytime is our friend and our companion and who in the night is our pillow and our peace.
Hear this our evening thanksgiving for Your love's sake
~William Barclay
So be it.
O God, our Father, we thank You for this day.
We thank You for those who have given us guidance, counsel advice and good example.
We thank You for those in whose company the sun shone even in the rain, and who brought a smile to our faces even when things were grim.
We thank You for those in whose company the frightening things were not so alarming, and the hard things not so difficult.
We thank You for those whose presence saved us from falling to temptation, and enabled us to do the right.
We thank You for those whom it is joy to be with, and in whose company the hours pass all too quickly.
We thank You for happy times to be to us forever happy memories.
We thank You for times of failure to keep us humble, and to make us remember how much we need You.
Most of all we thank You for Jesus Christ, who in the daytime is our friend and our companion and who in the night is our pillow and our peace.
Hear this our evening thanksgiving for Your love's sake
~William Barclay
So be it.
Friday, November 7, 2008
a trek through the bush and a deep thought later
so, i just came back from what i earlier dubbed was going to be the "best trip ever". it ended up being good. not sure about the best trip ever though. the first day, we were scheduled to take off at 6 am. not really a fan of starting to do strenous exercise that early in the morning. anyway, we end up starting to walk around 7:15-7:30. around 9:30, i realise that i didn't have breakfast and i tend to get low blood sugar when doing a lot of exercise and no food. so, we attempt to fix the problem, but travelling with 7 africans and 1 canadian, africans don't get the concept at all of low blood sugar.
anyway, we do assessments in about 5 villages. total it takes 10 hours and we get to the last village where we'll sleep at about 5:30. 8 hour of walking the first day. the village was called nyemah and it was so clean and the people were SO incredibly kind. they gave us water to take a bath in, in this cute homemade bathhouse they made and they even gave up their beds for us! Even though we brought tents to sleep in.
So, the 2nd day comes and we move on. everyone acts like they are in such a hurry but i being the stubborn person i am have a pace that i go, and we're still making good time, but some of the faster walkers want me to go faster-hence ticking me off a little. we do 2 more villages in 3 hours instead of the 4 they said it would take and keep going another 3 hours to another village. now, when i say that i'm walking, this isn't some little stroll on the trail. this is a "knock you in the face-no motorcycle can go on this road-bush trail". in between our resting points, i can feel blisters beginning to form and even pop. so we get to this village and again they give us their beds to sleep on. by this time we're completley exhausted and are grateful for just a good night's rest. but we don't get one.
taya and i usually just sit and chat for a while before we go to bed. so we were doing the usual when i hear this noise and ask her what it is. she calmly replies a rat. i think okay. we live with mice. but then, the lid to the bucket in the room comes off completely and i just say, "what was THAT" in order for the rat to do that, it has to be massive. so, all through the night there are about a dozen rats and we can hear them chewing something, not sure if they are chewing through our bags or not. so taya and i keep the headlamp on all night, trying to scare the rats away-but it doesn't work and we only end up with about 2 hours of sleep that night still having to walk another 4 hours to end our journey.
might i add here that the people were so grateful that we came. i was already the first non-Liberian/non-native African to be there about a month ago and now i think taya and i were the first american and canadian in there and also the first "white women" to spend the night there.
so back to the journey. back the 3rd day, today, my feet are completely killing me, i ended up hitting my bad knee on a tree log the day before , so my whole right side just is not cooperative. i'm moving slowly, but we're sitll making it in the time they said. and i'm just getting beyond ticked off with lots that is going on, and i feel like complete crap and can feel my blisters popping, which honestly feels like your feet are bleeding. and i'm just ticked.
we end up waiting for about 4 hours for a car to come and then end up walking small in the dark and by then, i'm pretty livid. everything is just getting to me, and i think everything is ridiculous and asinine. i guess we are all entitled to our bad days, but after awhile, feeling this way really bothered me.
why? because i have a masters degree, i've spent over 3 months each on 4 continents: i should have my life together. i should only be moving forward in who i am, right? it hasn't exactly worked like that. it's moments like those where i am reminded of a quote from my favourite book Mere Christianity. C.S. Lewis writes: "surely what a man does when he is taken off guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he really is. surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth?" Almost 9 years ago my life was completely changed from who I used to be. I found this true love and amazingness of a man called Jesus Christ. only those who knew me can really attest to who i used to be. many will tell you i'm completely different and it's true. it's too much to explain who i used to be, but just trust me. so, on this trip the woman that came out at times wasn't the evidence of who i thought i was or who i want to be.
i had a pretty bad attitude for about 1/3 of the trip. and afterward, i felt horrible for being so angry because in a way, it reminds me of who i used to be and how much i don't want to be who i used to be. i often think that i'm making progress and it's moments like those where i don't feel like i'm making progress at all. as c.s. lewis also says, "we all want progress. But progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be". again, in moments like those, i don't feel very progressive. because progress means changing for the better and i don't feel like i'm always better than i was. it's a day by day process i guess. certain days you do feel sucessful and a better person but other days, it just doesn't happen.
sometimes, i'm constantly reminded that no matter how many degrees i have, or want to have, i'm always as person "in progress". i hate failing. and it's crazy how the littlest things can make you feel like such a failure, even though you know you haven't completely screwed up. yes, i am a perfectionist and i'm learning that just because i don't handle things the way i should, or things don't work out the way i hope, the world actually won't fall apart. it's true that “after each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again….It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God.”
so, this trek through the jungle was somewhat the same. it was long. it was hard. it was full of good moments. full of crappy moments. full of moments of laughter and moments of anger. but in the end, it was completely worth it. on the way up, there is this huge hill and i had to stop for multiple seconds, but johnny and bob helped me through. and that's like life too. people are purposefully put in your life to help you up that hill to get to the top. before i left to work on this project, i knew it would be difficult. i knew what i was doing and once again c.s....
"the process will be long and in parts painful, but that is what we are in for. nothing less."
yep. i don't want anything less.
~P
anyway, we do assessments in about 5 villages. total it takes 10 hours and we get to the last village where we'll sleep at about 5:30. 8 hour of walking the first day. the village was called nyemah and it was so clean and the people were SO incredibly kind. they gave us water to take a bath in, in this cute homemade bathhouse they made and they even gave up their beds for us! Even though we brought tents to sleep in.
So, the 2nd day comes and we move on. everyone acts like they are in such a hurry but i being the stubborn person i am have a pace that i go, and we're still making good time, but some of the faster walkers want me to go faster-hence ticking me off a little. we do 2 more villages in 3 hours instead of the 4 they said it would take and keep going another 3 hours to another village. now, when i say that i'm walking, this isn't some little stroll on the trail. this is a "knock you in the face-no motorcycle can go on this road-bush trail". in between our resting points, i can feel blisters beginning to form and even pop. so we get to this village and again they give us their beds to sleep on. by this time we're completley exhausted and are grateful for just a good night's rest. but we don't get one.
taya and i usually just sit and chat for a while before we go to bed. so we were doing the usual when i hear this noise and ask her what it is. she calmly replies a rat. i think okay. we live with mice. but then, the lid to the bucket in the room comes off completely and i just say, "what was THAT" in order for the rat to do that, it has to be massive. so, all through the night there are about a dozen rats and we can hear them chewing something, not sure if they are chewing through our bags or not. so taya and i keep the headlamp on all night, trying to scare the rats away-but it doesn't work and we only end up with about 2 hours of sleep that night still having to walk another 4 hours to end our journey.
might i add here that the people were so grateful that we came. i was already the first non-Liberian/non-native African to be there about a month ago and now i think taya and i were the first american and canadian in there and also the first "white women" to spend the night there.
so back to the journey. back the 3rd day, today, my feet are completely killing me, i ended up hitting my bad knee on a tree log the day before , so my whole right side just is not cooperative. i'm moving slowly, but we're sitll making it in the time they said. and i'm just getting beyond ticked off with lots that is going on, and i feel like complete crap and can feel my blisters popping, which honestly feels like your feet are bleeding. and i'm just ticked.
we end up waiting for about 4 hours for a car to come and then end up walking small in the dark and by then, i'm pretty livid. everything is just getting to me, and i think everything is ridiculous and asinine. i guess we are all entitled to our bad days, but after awhile, feeling this way really bothered me.
why? because i have a masters degree, i've spent over 3 months each on 4 continents: i should have my life together. i should only be moving forward in who i am, right? it hasn't exactly worked like that. it's moments like those where i am reminded of a quote from my favourite book Mere Christianity. C.S. Lewis writes: "surely what a man does when he is taken off guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he really is. surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth?" Almost 9 years ago my life was completely changed from who I used to be. I found this true love and amazingness of a man called Jesus Christ. only those who knew me can really attest to who i used to be. many will tell you i'm completely different and it's true. it's too much to explain who i used to be, but just trust me. so, on this trip the woman that came out at times wasn't the evidence of who i thought i was or who i want to be.
i had a pretty bad attitude for about 1/3 of the trip. and afterward, i felt horrible for being so angry because in a way, it reminds me of who i used to be and how much i don't want to be who i used to be. i often think that i'm making progress and it's moments like those where i don't feel like i'm making progress at all. as c.s. lewis also says, "we all want progress. But progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be". again, in moments like those, i don't feel very progressive. because progress means changing for the better and i don't feel like i'm always better than i was. it's a day by day process i guess. certain days you do feel sucessful and a better person but other days, it just doesn't happen.
sometimes, i'm constantly reminded that no matter how many degrees i have, or want to have, i'm always as person "in progress". i hate failing. and it's crazy how the littlest things can make you feel like such a failure, even though you know you haven't completely screwed up. yes, i am a perfectionist and i'm learning that just because i don't handle things the way i should, or things don't work out the way i hope, the world actually won't fall apart. it's true that “after each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again….It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God.”
so, this trek through the jungle was somewhat the same. it was long. it was hard. it was full of good moments. full of crappy moments. full of moments of laughter and moments of anger. but in the end, it was completely worth it. on the way up, there is this huge hill and i had to stop for multiple seconds, but johnny and bob helped me through. and that's like life too. people are purposefully put in your life to help you up that hill to get to the top. before i left to work on this project, i knew it would be difficult. i knew what i was doing and once again c.s....
"the process will be long and in parts painful, but that is what we are in for. nothing less."
yep. i don't want anything less.
~P
Saturday, November 1, 2008
somewhere between what could be and what is
i have been on a roll with the blogging thing. i don't know if people are actually supposed to continuously attempt to blog or not. but, whatever. i digress to an actual topic: i've realised that when i get 10 days or so away from leaving a place, the mindset changes. i realise, "holy crap. i'm really leaving". then i think about the people that i have been with and learned from. and for some reason, this transition time always puts me in a contemplative mood.
here is my contemplative mood for now: my life is the coolest life pretty much ever. don't get me wrong...your life is probably cool too. sometimes though i can't help but wonder what my life would be like if i would be doing something other than what i'm doing. i think we all do that in some way or another at some point in time of our lives. currently, i seem to find that more and more people that i once may have flippantly dated are now married. whoa. i think. I could be married right now. and that thought freaks me out.
i won't lie, it'd be nice to be married at some point but the problem arises with the finding someone who would want to spend the rest of his life with me. that's a really long time. like forever. and i know that i'm quite a handful. oh, my. poor guy. whoever he is.
to digress again to an actual point: i remember 2 1/2 years ago feeling the strongest regarding this issue of what would have been and what is and discussing it with my wisest friend, Vanessa. the conclusion from that is the same as it is now. just like history, you can only study what actually happened and as V states as only she can, "i can tell you exactly what would've happened if you did things differently in your life. it wouldn't. if what happened wouldn't have happened, you would be someone else freaking out about different decisions. you are you. formed from thousands of different decisions".
as i look back through my journal and re-read what i wrote then, i'm so grateful for everything i've been through. every opportunity that i've had and loved and every opportunity i've had and despised. life has been good. and it's so crazy that it only gets better!
um, that's all i have for now. one day, i'll try to write something heartfelt and life changing...one day.
~P
here is my contemplative mood for now: my life is the coolest life pretty much ever. don't get me wrong...your life is probably cool too. sometimes though i can't help but wonder what my life would be like if i would be doing something other than what i'm doing. i think we all do that in some way or another at some point in time of our lives. currently, i seem to find that more and more people that i once may have flippantly dated are now married. whoa. i think. I could be married right now. and that thought freaks me out.
i won't lie, it'd be nice to be married at some point but the problem arises with the finding someone who would want to spend the rest of his life with me. that's a really long time. like forever. and i know that i'm quite a handful. oh, my. poor guy. whoever he is.
to digress again to an actual point: i remember 2 1/2 years ago feeling the strongest regarding this issue of what would have been and what is and discussing it with my wisest friend, Vanessa. the conclusion from that is the same as it is now. just like history, you can only study what actually happened and as V states as only she can, "i can tell you exactly what would've happened if you did things differently in your life. it wouldn't. if what happened wouldn't have happened, you would be someone else freaking out about different decisions. you are you. formed from thousands of different decisions".
as i look back through my journal and re-read what i wrote then, i'm so grateful for everything i've been through. every opportunity that i've had and loved and every opportunity i've had and despised. life has been good. and it's so crazy that it only gets better!
um, that's all i have for now. one day, i'll try to write something heartfelt and life changing...one day.
~P
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