Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
zoom zoom
working in retail can honestly be interesting. if you’re looking- you may even see lessons in life that can be applied to your own life. last week, there was a mom and kid who walked in. the kid looked and said, “mommy, i want the zhu zhu pet!”. the mom kind of smiled and nodded, kind of hoping her kid would just let it go on the thought- that yes, it was somewhat cool but not cool enough to buy. then, you can guess it- the kid says, “moMMIIIEEEEEE I WANT A ZHU ZHU PET!!!!” the mom then asks, “how much are your pets?” i go on to explain the prices and the mom explains to the child- that if she gets it now, she won’t have anything to get for her birthday. The kid didn’t care- she wanted it right then! as i checked them out and told them to have a nice day, all i could think of was, “man! that kid was so so impatient!”
then i realised just how impatient i am. how about 93% of my problems seem like problems mostly due to impatience. for example, when i’m driving- yes, i get road rage- most of the time because people aren’t going the speed limit and i’m running right on time- which means i could be late because of these people blocking my way. impatience. in my mind i’ve created timelines for when God needs to intervene because otherwise it’s a problem. impatience. sometimes not trusting that things will work out. impatience.-hanging out with people that i know will eventually cause me pain- even if it’s unintentional just because i’m lonely...impatience.
how often am i that little kid? screaming my lungs out on how i really want something that really doesn’t matter and if i would just wait- i would’ve already gotten it in the first place- maybe something better. I remember hearing when i was a kid that God loves us so much that if we continue to beg for something- just like that parent, God will give us what we want. I guess now that I’m older, I look at that- and it hasn’t really worked out that way- but i’m really glad it hasn’t. because to me, that means that God is so bigger than me. that in certain situations, He has to intervene because there isn’t any other way humanly possible for things to work out. i mean, i get the point- but it’s that whole new way of looking at thing- that’s coming to light.
i guess my views of things are changing- i love it when that happens. sometimes it makes me feel all grown up coming up with new realisations and ephiphanys. i used to think that God uses things, people and situations to teach us lessons. and then i thought about that- whenever i think about “teaching someone a lesson” it’s not a good thing. it’s usually a “i have the ability to kick your butt because i’m bigger or better than you in some way, shape or form”. and i thought...that doesn’t sound like God to me-well not mine. instead of teaching a lesson- just maybe He uses things, people, situations and even our pain to make us better people. that sounds more like God to me.
but realising things is the first step and the easiest. it’s believing it that’s the hard part. i guess it’s the time when that whole trust thing comes in. it makes me glad for hope that is given. that everyday, I can choose joy. it’s not exactly easy...but then again, He never said it would be.
-P
then i realised just how impatient i am. how about 93% of my problems seem like problems mostly due to impatience. for example, when i’m driving- yes, i get road rage- most of the time because people aren’t going the speed limit and i’m running right on time- which means i could be late because of these people blocking my way. impatience. in my mind i’ve created timelines for when God needs to intervene because otherwise it’s a problem. impatience. sometimes not trusting that things will work out. impatience.-hanging out with people that i know will eventually cause me pain- even if it’s unintentional just because i’m lonely...impatience.
how often am i that little kid? screaming my lungs out on how i really want something that really doesn’t matter and if i would just wait- i would’ve already gotten it in the first place- maybe something better. I remember hearing when i was a kid that God loves us so much that if we continue to beg for something- just like that parent, God will give us what we want. I guess now that I’m older, I look at that- and it hasn’t really worked out that way- but i’m really glad it hasn’t. because to me, that means that God is so bigger than me. that in certain situations, He has to intervene because there isn’t any other way humanly possible for things to work out. i mean, i get the point- but it’s that whole new way of looking at thing- that’s coming to light.
i guess my views of things are changing- i love it when that happens. sometimes it makes me feel all grown up coming up with new realisations and ephiphanys. i used to think that God uses things, people and situations to teach us lessons. and then i thought about that- whenever i think about “teaching someone a lesson” it’s not a good thing. it’s usually a “i have the ability to kick your butt because i’m bigger or better than you in some way, shape or form”. and i thought...that doesn’t sound like God to me-well not mine. instead of teaching a lesson- just maybe He uses things, people, situations and even our pain to make us better people. that sounds more like God to me.
but realising things is the first step and the easiest. it’s believing it that’s the hard part. i guess it’s the time when that whole trust thing comes in. it makes me glad for hope that is given. that everyday, I can choose joy. it’s not exactly easy...but then again, He never said it would be.
-P
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
quiet my soul
random prayer of the night:
God, I pray I will never be comfortable with who I am. May I never stay somewhere just because I'm scared. May my soul be fertile for change, so that things can continue to grow inside of me. So that I will always be a better person today than I was yesterday. May I not just think about life or talk about life... May I truly LIVE my life. May I not be one who looks for an escape, but one who simply looks for You and finds myself along the way. May I learn to love people like You do. unconditionally. purely. May i love them without manipulating them. May everything I do lead to You. and when I leave, may I never come back the same.
patty
God, I pray I will never be comfortable with who I am. May I never stay somewhere just because I'm scared. May my soul be fertile for change, so that things can continue to grow inside of me. So that I will always be a better person today than I was yesterday. May I not just think about life or talk about life... May I truly LIVE my life. May I not be one who looks for an escape, but one who simply looks for You and finds myself along the way. May I learn to love people like You do. unconditionally. purely. May i love them without manipulating them. May everything I do lead to You. and when I leave, may I never come back the same.
patty
banana pancakes jack johnson style for mel
First, i guess i should start off by saying "hurray" to my old roommate Mel- she's engaged!!! yay! i just found out right before I started typing this so i'm quite excited.
I hope everyone had a great New Year's and Christmas. er, wait. i guess i should reverse that. i don't really have a reason why- but this was the best Christmas- it really was. no reason- just a really good time with my family and once in a while- when you have time to really think about that- it makes it great.
New Years Eve was a time spent with friends. friends who make you laugh. wouldn't have it any other way. we played some games- i introduced the amazing game of dutch blitz to them. last year, some friends and i got together and made breakfast after the youth shindig at church and i thought we should make breakfast again to celebrate. complete with eggs and banana pancakes jack johnson style, biscuits and gravy and bacon.
pics surely to come.
'
i can't believe i leave for australia in 3 1/2 weeks! lots to do- lots of people's faces i hope to see before i leave. i'm getting excited to go. i guess that's all for now. must go to work.
love,
patty
I hope everyone had a great New Year's and Christmas. er, wait. i guess i should reverse that. i don't really have a reason why- but this was the best Christmas- it really was. no reason- just a really good time with my family and once in a while- when you have time to really think about that- it makes it great.
New Years Eve was a time spent with friends. friends who make you laugh. wouldn't have it any other way. we played some games- i introduced the amazing game of dutch blitz to them. last year, some friends and i got together and made breakfast after the youth shindig at church and i thought we should make breakfast again to celebrate. complete with eggs and banana pancakes jack johnson style, biscuits and gravy and bacon.
pics surely to come.
'
i can't believe i leave for australia in 3 1/2 weeks! lots to do- lots of people's faces i hope to see before i leave. i'm getting excited to go. i guess that's all for now. must go to work.
love,
patty
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
comfortable in my own skin
G’Day Mates! I write as I am now officially getting things ready to head to Australia in the beginning of the year. I have my work visa and am now looking for a plane ticket. it gets a little complicated when you have people you love around the world and wish to visit...and even though it looks like it should be on the way on MY map...it doesn’t exactly work like that with airlines- hence making it a little more complicated. We’ll find out what I’m doing probably when I get there. I had some time and now a visa- so i just took ann landers quote to heart when she said “the real trick is to stay alive as long as you live”-so I may as well feel alive and head down under.
i’m learning even here different ways to feel alive. for this story time with patty: have you ever run into those people where the following conversation goes something like this, OP (other person) “Hey Patty! How was your day?” Me: It was okay. it was kind of a hard day at work. OP: “oh yeah, i know what you mean because I.....20 minutes later after they take a breath. OP: So what’s next for you? Me: tells him/her. OP: “oh my gosh! i’m so jealous, i want to do that too and blah blah blah. 20 minutes later when they take another breath....Me: okay, well i’m going to go now. OP: okay, love you! Me: thanks. fast forward to the next week and hit repeat with the same person. yeah, if you’re thinking that attempting to gouge your eye out with a dull spoon is probably more interesting than having this conversation, you’re probably right. well, that was a little mean. i take some of it back.
i know we’ve all met these people and if we’re honest, we’ve even been that person in some point of our lives- the people whose souls aren’t at peace so we talk all the time? yeah, i’ve been there. what’s the point of that story? i don’t really know- i just know it now bothers me (that’s probably the real reason i wrote it- let’s just cut to the chase) and reminds me of the story i’ve told before with my friend aaron who told me that he didn’t need my opinion nor did he ask for it, so why in the world do i have to give it to him? probably because i truthfully wasn’t at peace with myself.
i was putting on my makeup a couple of weeks ago when i had an epiphany that hit me hard- as serious as a heart attack- i realised something has happened and i am no longer comfortable in my own skin. i used to be. and i knew it too. i don’t know how long it had been going on, but it had definitely happened. so, that moment i decided to not wear makeup for a month. it’s quite weird but it was really liberating. and i think it worked. there really isn’t a feeling like being comfortable in your own skin. being comfortable doesn’t mean being arrogant or proud nor does it mean settling for mediocrity and not striving to become a better person- because if you really know it all, is there really a point?
maybe it’s true that “one of the greatest...experiences is when he no longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is” Norman Vincent Peale so,
i guess may we all find ourselves- find the good, the bad, the ugly, the great, the loving, the kind, the vices and all that’s in between on the journey of finding ourselves. and may we be comfortable in our own skin once again.
Love,
P
i’m learning even here different ways to feel alive. for this story time with patty: have you ever run into those people where the following conversation goes something like this, OP (other person) “Hey Patty! How was your day?” Me: It was okay. it was kind of a hard day at work. OP: “oh yeah, i know what you mean because I.....20 minutes later after they take a breath. OP: So what’s next for you? Me: tells him/her. OP: “oh my gosh! i’m so jealous, i want to do that too and blah blah blah. 20 minutes later when they take another breath....Me: okay, well i’m going to go now. OP: okay, love you! Me: thanks. fast forward to the next week and hit repeat with the same person. yeah, if you’re thinking that attempting to gouge your eye out with a dull spoon is probably more interesting than having this conversation, you’re probably right. well, that was a little mean. i take some of it back.
i know we’ve all met these people and if we’re honest, we’ve even been that person in some point of our lives- the people whose souls aren’t at peace so we talk all the time? yeah, i’ve been there. what’s the point of that story? i don’t really know- i just know it now bothers me (that’s probably the real reason i wrote it- let’s just cut to the chase) and reminds me of the story i’ve told before with my friend aaron who told me that he didn’t need my opinion nor did he ask for it, so why in the world do i have to give it to him? probably because i truthfully wasn’t at peace with myself.
i was putting on my makeup a couple of weeks ago when i had an epiphany that hit me hard- as serious as a heart attack- i realised something has happened and i am no longer comfortable in my own skin. i used to be. and i knew it too. i don’t know how long it had been going on, but it had definitely happened. so, that moment i decided to not wear makeup for a month. it’s quite weird but it was really liberating. and i think it worked. there really isn’t a feeling like being comfortable in your own skin. being comfortable doesn’t mean being arrogant or proud nor does it mean settling for mediocrity and not striving to become a better person- because if you really know it all, is there really a point?
maybe it’s true that “one of the greatest...experiences is when he no longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is” Norman Vincent Peale so,
i guess may we all find ourselves- find the good, the bad, the ugly, the great, the loving, the kind, the vices and all that’s in between on the journey of finding ourselves. and may we be comfortable in our own skin once again.
Love,
P
Sunday, October 25, 2009
maybe plato's right in my jumbled thoughts?
i've always struggled with the debate over "are humans inherently good or inherently bad?" i used to have hope in the human race- i really did. in seeing the world, i've seen truly GOOD people. that formed my opinion i guess that people have to be inherently good. i fought for the good in people in my classes. i really did. but then, i moved back to the southern midwest. the past 4 months have aided in making me change my mind completely.
yes. people are inherently bad.
what makes people so selfish? as i watch people, i wonder if that is me as well? i was living in california when i was talking to a guy from my class that i worked with that was a 2nd year when i was a 1st year. while we were working, i asked him how his weekend was and he proceeded to tell me how he went to eat at some restaurant. and i followed by telling him how i didn't like that genre of food. then he told me something i'll never forget, he said, "patty, i didn't ask you for your opinion. you asked ME how my weekend was, what's with the opinion?" and it really wasn't harsh at all, but that moment taught me one of the most important lessons i hope i'm closer to fully learning than just beginning to learn.
my opinion is not always needed. people don't always need to know what i think. what makes me think they need to know my opinion. who am i that my opinion even matters? what makes people want to talk all the time about accomplishments and in a way put other people down without truly celebrating their successes with them?
there's a type of people everywhere you go. certain places have more laid back people while others have people who must always be busy or talking. where i am has selfish people. what makes humans so selfish? is there a switch that goes on and off?
i'm not saying this on a soapbox at all- i do try to evaluate myself and in evaluating others- i am evaluating myself. these past couple of months-when you're not exactly where you WANT to be (you still may be where you're supposed to be) you have lots of time to think. time to think of why am i so unhappy....yet, scared to move on to something else?
these past 4 months i've had lots of time to think...which can be quite dangerous. i guess in the past couple of months i have first decided that i will not be the girl that has to fill the silence. silence isn't always bad. as i get older, i've become more of an introvert- not full scale- i mean, i'm still the patty that will do something stupid in order for someone to feel more comfortable.
this isn't really segueing well but whatever. something happened today where i just completely got tired of the attitude and the mentality that is here- i totally can't explain it and i know that i am generalizing but i literally just stopped what i was doing and completely left, drove in my car without saying anything and walked away.
it hurts to be surrounded by people who desire so deeply for you to be like them, when i have absolutely no desire to. just because i have no desire to have a job like them or to have a normal life- they need to let me know that "i'm not grown up" that maybe one day, i'll settle down and be a grown up. whatever. and i guess we all long to be understood. which doesn't mean that i'm looking for someone that's just like me.
one of my greatest friends from california, emily and i still keep in touch and we have many differences- she's not big on the traveling abroad thing or living in rough conditions. we're quite different. but i feel like i'm quite understood with her.
then again, i don't completely not enjoy moments here where i am. gosh, this is harder to explain than I thought. i guess this week was the tip of the iceberg that sank the titanic of me saying, "forget this. i can't live here. i can't do this anymore. stop letting people get to you, patty and take the steps that you're scared to take". God's met me in my places before and He's going to again. He understands.
"You looked into my life and never stopped and You're thinking all my thoughts are so simple but so beautiful. and You recite my words right back to me. before I even speak You let me know...I am understood" -Relient K
yes. people are inherently bad.
what makes people so selfish? as i watch people, i wonder if that is me as well? i was living in california when i was talking to a guy from my class that i worked with that was a 2nd year when i was a 1st year. while we were working, i asked him how his weekend was and he proceeded to tell me how he went to eat at some restaurant. and i followed by telling him how i didn't like that genre of food. then he told me something i'll never forget, he said, "patty, i didn't ask you for your opinion. you asked ME how my weekend was, what's with the opinion?" and it really wasn't harsh at all, but that moment taught me one of the most important lessons i hope i'm closer to fully learning than just beginning to learn.
my opinion is not always needed. people don't always need to know what i think. what makes me think they need to know my opinion. who am i that my opinion even matters? what makes people want to talk all the time about accomplishments and in a way put other people down without truly celebrating their successes with them?
there's a type of people everywhere you go. certain places have more laid back people while others have people who must always be busy or talking. where i am has selfish people. what makes humans so selfish? is there a switch that goes on and off?
i'm not saying this on a soapbox at all- i do try to evaluate myself and in evaluating others- i am evaluating myself. these past couple of months-when you're not exactly where you WANT to be (you still may be where you're supposed to be) you have lots of time to think. time to think of why am i so unhappy....yet, scared to move on to something else?
these past 4 months i've had lots of time to think...which can be quite dangerous. i guess in the past couple of months i have first decided that i will not be the girl that has to fill the silence. silence isn't always bad. as i get older, i've become more of an introvert- not full scale- i mean, i'm still the patty that will do something stupid in order for someone to feel more comfortable.
this isn't really segueing well but whatever. something happened today where i just completely got tired of the attitude and the mentality that is here- i totally can't explain it and i know that i am generalizing but i literally just stopped what i was doing and completely left, drove in my car without saying anything and walked away.
it hurts to be surrounded by people who desire so deeply for you to be like them, when i have absolutely no desire to. just because i have no desire to have a job like them or to have a normal life- they need to let me know that "i'm not grown up" that maybe one day, i'll settle down and be a grown up. whatever. and i guess we all long to be understood. which doesn't mean that i'm looking for someone that's just like me.
one of my greatest friends from california, emily and i still keep in touch and we have many differences- she's not big on the traveling abroad thing or living in rough conditions. we're quite different. but i feel like i'm quite understood with her.
then again, i don't completely not enjoy moments here where i am. gosh, this is harder to explain than I thought. i guess this week was the tip of the iceberg that sank the titanic of me saying, "forget this. i can't live here. i can't do this anymore. stop letting people get to you, patty and take the steps that you're scared to take". God's met me in my places before and He's going to again. He understands.
"You looked into my life and never stopped and You're thinking all my thoughts are so simple but so beautiful. and You recite my words right back to me. before I even speak You let me know...I am understood" -Relient K
Saturday, August 1, 2009
dating advice to my kids
it's been kind of difficult for me to really figure out what the purpose of a blog really is. i mean, is it for what's going on in your life or for deep thoughts that may not have any answers? i'm not really sure.
well, as of today X Games 15 is officially over. i've been obsessed with X Games for about 7 or 8 years. i know it seems quite odd i know but not really. the main reason i love it so much is because it's a sport where you have to go bigger and better every year- you can't settle for mediocrity. what won last year won't work again. they have to sacrifice their bodies too. and it's somewhat of an inspiration. they don't quit. one of my favourite moments was last year during skateboard big air. danny way who is one of the founders of the big air event (also the one who attempted a jump over the great wall of china) slammed so hard-got back up and when asked if he'd take his next runs, he replied- I'm taking every run. it was one of those amazing moments that actually can motivate you. yay for X Games.
so, i guess the deep thought for the day is brought to you by one of my students:
it's interesting when your students you've known and kind of taught for the past 4-5 years are now on their way to college and the subject of dating came up. i already know that i'm not a dating expert- i don't need to be informed of this but i don't think i'm a complete dud either.
so, most of my kids are going to Bible college. yeah, we've discussed what they think their future spouses will be like. i kind of listen and try not to laugh, but then i can't help it and laugh out loud. it's funny to me because i think i remember being that unrealistic-especially in college. and it's amazing how many kids want to marry someone that's perfect. seriously. or someone who can complete them.
oh yes, this is the kind of topic that begins 'parking lot convos with patty'. which is mostly called such because i can't hold my opinion to wherever we are going and thus end up having the conversation in the parking lot. and i came up with 2 things that i think are true: 1) if you're not comfortable alone, you never will be with anyone else because another person can't complete you. they weren't meant to and it's unfair to do that to put that pressure on them to be everything when it wasn't meant to be that way and 2) no one is perfect. i didn't come to that conclusion by dating someone and realising that "they aren't perfect but i can accept them the way they are". it was more of a "whoa, i'm not perfect and how dare i have the gall to ask for something that i'm not either". besides, aren't we all beautiful disasters trying to become better people everyday? well, we should be.
but as for my kids, they leave for college soon. i'll update within the year on how their dating lives turn out.
it could be interesting. ha!
love,
p
well, as of today X Games 15 is officially over. i've been obsessed with X Games for about 7 or 8 years. i know it seems quite odd i know but not really. the main reason i love it so much is because it's a sport where you have to go bigger and better every year- you can't settle for mediocrity. what won last year won't work again. they have to sacrifice their bodies too. and it's somewhat of an inspiration. they don't quit. one of my favourite moments was last year during skateboard big air. danny way who is one of the founders of the big air event (also the one who attempted a jump over the great wall of china) slammed so hard-got back up and when asked if he'd take his next runs, he replied- I'm taking every run. it was one of those amazing moments that actually can motivate you. yay for X Games.
so, i guess the deep thought for the day is brought to you by one of my students:
it's interesting when your students you've known and kind of taught for the past 4-5 years are now on their way to college and the subject of dating came up. i already know that i'm not a dating expert- i don't need to be informed of this but i don't think i'm a complete dud either.
so, most of my kids are going to Bible college. yeah, we've discussed what they think their future spouses will be like. i kind of listen and try not to laugh, but then i can't help it and laugh out loud. it's funny to me because i think i remember being that unrealistic-especially in college. and it's amazing how many kids want to marry someone that's perfect. seriously. or someone who can complete them.
oh yes, this is the kind of topic that begins 'parking lot convos with patty'. which is mostly called such because i can't hold my opinion to wherever we are going and thus end up having the conversation in the parking lot. and i came up with 2 things that i think are true: 1) if you're not comfortable alone, you never will be with anyone else because another person can't complete you. they weren't meant to and it's unfair to do that to put that pressure on them to be everything when it wasn't meant to be that way and 2) no one is perfect. i didn't come to that conclusion by dating someone and realising that "they aren't perfect but i can accept them the way they are". it was more of a "whoa, i'm not perfect and how dare i have the gall to ask for something that i'm not either". besides, aren't we all beautiful disasters trying to become better people everyday? well, we should be.
but as for my kids, they leave for college soon. i'll update within the year on how their dating lives turn out.
it could be interesting. ha!
love,
p
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