living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life

2010-06-28T19:24:00.001-07:00

i just realised that i'm so rude! i have another blog for the few and the proud who may read this one....it's pattythehut.blogspot.com all the good times i'm having in haiti. so, i probably won't use this blog anymore. move over with me!

zoom zoom

2010-01-25T21:13:00.000-08:00

working in retail can honestly be interesting. if you’re looking- you may even see lessons in life that can be applied to your own life. last week, there was a mom and kid who walked in. the kid looked and said, “mommy, i want the zhu zhu pet!”. the mom kind of smiled and nodded, kind of hoping her kid would just let it go on the thought- that yes, it was somewhat cool but not cool enough to buy. then, you can guess it- the kid says, “moMMIIIEEEEEE I WANT A ZHU ZHU PET!!!!” the mom then asks, “how much are your pets?” i go on to explain the prices and the mom explains to the child- that if she gets it now, she won’t have anything to get for her birthday. The kid didn’t care- she wanted it right then! as i checked them out and told them to have a nice day, all i could think of was, “man! that kid was so so impatient!”

then i realised just how impatient i am. how about 93% of my problems seem like problems mostly due to impatience. for example, when i’m driving- yes, i get road rage- most of the time because people aren’t going the speed limit and i’m running right on time- which means i could be late because of these people blocking my way. impatience. in my mind i’ve created timelines for when God needs to intervene because otherwise it’s a problem. impatience. sometimes not trusting that things will work out. impatience.-hanging out with people that i know will eventually cause me pain- even if it’s unintentional just because i’m lonely...impatience.

how often am i that little kid? screaming my lungs out on how i really want something that really doesn’t matter and if i would just wait- i would’ve already gotten it in the first place- maybe something better. I remember hearing when i was a kid that God loves us so much that if we continue to beg for something- just like that parent, God will give us what we want. I guess now that I’m older, I look at that- and it hasn’t really worked out that way- but i’m really glad it hasn’t. because to me, that means that God is so bigger than me. that in certain situations, He has to intervene because there isn’t any other way humanly possible for things to work out. i mean, i get the point- but it’s that whole new way of looking at thing- that’s coming to light.

i guess my views of things are changing- i love it when that happens. sometimes it makes me feel all grown up coming up with new realisations and ephiphanys. i used to think that God uses things, people and situations to teach us lessons. and then i thought about that- whenever i think about “teaching someone a lesson” it’s not a good thing. it’s usually a “i have the ability to kick your butt because i’m bigger or better than you in some way, shape or form”. and i thought...that doesn’t sound like God to me-well not mine. instead of teaching a lesson- just maybe He uses things, people, situations and even our pain to make us better people. that sounds more like God to me.

but realising things is the first step and the easiest. it’s believing it that’s the hard part. i guess it’s the time when that whole trust thing comes in. it makes me glad for hope that is given. that everyday, I can choose joy. it’s not exactly easy...but then again, He never said it would be.

-P

quiet my soul

2010-01-05T20:00:00.000-08:00

random prayer of the night:

God, I pray I will never be comfortable with who I am. May I never stay somewhere just because I'm scared. May my soul be fertile for change, so that things can continue to grow inside of me. So that I will always be a better person today than I was yesterday. May I not just think about life or talk about life... May I truly LIVE my life. May I not be one who looks for an escape, but one who simply looks for You and finds myself along the way. May I learn to love people like You do. unconditionally. purely. May i love them without manipulating them. May everything I do lead to You. and when I leave, may I never come back the same.

patty

banana pancakes jack johnson style for mel

2010-01-05T13:06:00.000-08:00

First, i guess i should start off by saying "hurray" to my old roommate Mel- she's engaged!!! yay! i just found out right before I started typing this so i'm quite excited.

I hope everyone had a great New Year's and Christmas. er, wait. i guess i should reverse that. i don't really have a reason why- but this was the best Christmas- it really was. no reason- just a really good time with my family and once in a while- when you have time to really think about that- it makes it great.

New Years Eve was a time spent with friends. friends who make you laugh. wouldn't have it any other way. we played some games- i introduced the amazing game of dutch blitz to them. last year, some friends and i got together and made breakfast after the youth shindig at church and i thought we should make breakfast again to celebrate. complete with eggs and banana pancakes jack johnson style, biscuits and gravy and bacon.

pics surely to come.
'
i can't believe i leave for australia in 3 1/2 weeks! lots to do- lots of people's faces i hope to see before i leave. i'm getting excited to go. i guess that's all for now. must go to work.

love,
patty

comfortable in my own skin

2009-12-15T09:04:00.000-08:00

G’Day Mates! I write as I am now officially getting things ready to head to Australia in the beginning of the year. I have my work visa and am now looking for a plane ticket. it gets a little complicated when you have people you love around the world and wish to visit...and even though it looks like it should be on the way on MY map...it doesn’t exactly work like that with airlines- hence making it a little more complicated. We’ll find out what I’m doing probably when I get there. I had some time and now a visa- so i just took ann landers quote to heart when she said “the real trick is to stay alive as long as you live”-so I may as well feel alive and head down under.

i’m learning even here different ways to feel alive. for this story time with patty: have you ever run into those people where the following conversation goes something like this, OP (other person) “Hey Patty! How was your day?” Me: It was okay. it was kind of a hard day at work. OP: “oh yeah, i know what you mean because I.....20 minutes later after they take a breath. OP: So what’s next for you? Me: tells him/her. OP: “oh my gosh! i’m so jealous, i want to do that too and blah blah blah. 20 minutes later when they take another breath....Me: okay, well i’m going to go now. OP: okay, love you! Me: thanks. fast forward to the next week and hit repeat with the same person. yeah, if you’re thinking that attempting to gouge your eye out with a dull spoon is probably more interesting than having this conversation, you’re probably right. well, that was a little mean. i take some of it back.

i know we’ve all met these people and if we’re honest, we’ve even been that person in some point of our lives- the people whose souls aren’t at peace so we talk all the time? yeah, i’ve been there. what’s the point of that story? i don’t really know- i just know it now bothers me (that’s probably the real reason i wrote it- let’s just cut to the chase) and reminds me of the story i’ve told before with my friend aaron who told me that he didn’t need my opinion nor did he ask for it, so why in the world do i have to give it to him? probably because i truthfully wasn’t at peace with myself.

i was putting on my makeup a couple of weeks ago when i had an epiphany that hit me hard- as serious as a heart attack- i realised something has happened and i am no longer comfortable in my own skin. i used to be. and i knew it too. i don’t know how long it had been going on, but it had definitely happened. so, that moment i decided to not wear makeup for a month. it’s quite weird but it was really liberating. and i think it worked. there really isn’t a feeling like being comfortable in your own skin. being comfortable doesn’t mean being arrogant or proud nor does it mean settling for mediocrity and not striving to become a better person- because if you really know it all, is there really a point?

maybe it’s true that “one of the greatest...experiences is when he no longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is” Norman Vincent Peale  so,

i guess may we all find ourselves- find the good, the bad, the ugly, the great, the loving, the kind, the vices and all that’s in between on the journey of finding ourselves. and may we be comfortable in our own skin once again.

Love,
P

maybe plato's right in my jumbled thoughts?

2009-10-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

i've always struggled with the debate over "are humans inherently good or inherently bad?" i used to have hope in the human race- i really did. in seeing the world, i've seen truly GOOD people. that formed my opinion i guess that people have to be inherently good. i fought for the good in people in my classes. i really did. but then, i moved back to the southern midwest. the past 4 months have aided in making me change my mind completely.

yes. people are inherently bad.

what makes people so selfish? as i watch people, i wonder if that is me as well? i was living in california when i was talking to a guy from my class that i worked with that was a 2nd year when i was a 1st year. while we were working, i asked him how his weekend was and he proceeded to tell me how he went to eat at some restaurant. and i followed by telling him how i didn't like that genre of food. then he told me something i'll never forget, he said, "patty, i didn't ask you for your opinion. you asked ME how my weekend was, what's with the opinion?" and it really wasn't harsh at all, but that moment taught me one of the most important lessons i hope i'm closer to fully learning than just beginning to learn.

my opinion is not always needed. people don't always need to know what i think. what makes me think they need to know my opinion. who am i that my opinion even matters? what makes people want to talk all the time about accomplishments and in a way put other people down without truly celebrating their successes with them?

there's a type of people everywhere you go. certain places have more laid back people while others have people who must always be busy or talking. where i am has selfish people. what makes humans so selfish? is there a switch that goes on and off?

i'm not saying this on a soapbox at all- i do try to evaluate myself and in evaluating others- i am evaluating myself. these past couple of months-when you're not exactly where you WANT to be (you still may be where you're supposed to be) you have lots of time to think. time to think of why am i so unhappy....yet, scared to move on to something else?

these past 4 months i've had lots of time to think...which can be quite dangerous. i guess in the past couple of months i have first decided that i will not be the girl that has to fill the silence. silence isn't always bad. as i get older, i've become more of an introvert- not full scale- i mean, i'm still the patty that will do something stupid in order for someone to feel more comfortable.

this isn't really segueing well but whatever. something happened today where i just completely got tired of the attitude and the mentality that is here- i totally can't explain it and i know that i am generalizing but i literally just stopped what i was doing and completely left, drove in my car without saying anything and walked away.

it hurts to be surrounded by people who desire so deeply for you to be like them, when i have absolutely no desire to. just because i have no desire to have a job like them or to have a normal life- they need to let me know that "i'm not grown up" that maybe one day, i'll settle down and be a grown up. whatever. and i guess we all long to be understood. which doesn't mean that i'm looking for someone that's just like me.

one of my greatest friends from california, emily and i still keep in touch and we have many differences- she's not big on the traveling abroad thing or living in rough conditions. we're quite different. but i feel like i'm quite understood with her.

then again, i don't completely not enjoy moments here where i am. gosh, this is harder to explain than I thought. i guess this week was the tip of the iceberg that sank the titanic of me saying, "forget this. i can't live here. i can't do this anymore. stop letting people get to you, patty and take the steps that you're scared to take". God's met me in my places before and He's going to again. He understands.

"You looked into my life and never stopped and You're thinking all my thoughts are so simple but so beautiful. and You recite my words right back to me. before I even speak You let me know...I am understood" -Relient K

dating advice to my kids

2009-08-01T23:24:00.001-07:00

it's been kind of difficult for me to really figure out what the purpose of a blog really is. i mean, is it for what's going on in your life or for deep thoughts that may not have any answers? i'm not really sure.

well, as of today X Games 15 is officially over. i've been obsessed with X Games for about 7 or 8 years. i know it seems quite odd i know but not really. the main reason i love it so much is because it's a sport where you have to go bigger and better every year- you can't settle for mediocrity. what won last year won't work again. they have to sacrifice their bodies too. and it's somewhat of an inspiration. they don't quit. one of my favourite moments was last year during skateboard big air. danny way who is one of the founders of the big air event (also the one who attempted a jump over the great wall of china) slammed so hard-got back up and when asked if he'd take his next runs, he replied- I'm taking every run. it was one of those amazing moments that actually can motivate you. yay for X Games.

so, i guess the deep thought for the day is brought to you by one of my students:
it's interesting when your students you've known and kind of taught for the past 4-5 years are now on their way to college and the subject of dating came up. i already know that i'm not a dating expert- i don't need to be informed of this but i don't think i'm a complete dud either.

so, most of my kids are going to Bible college. yeah, we've discussed what they think their future spouses will be like. i kind of listen and try not to laugh, but then i can't help it and laugh out loud. it's funny to me because i think i remember being that unrealistic-especially in college. and it's amazing how many kids want to marry someone that's perfect. seriously. or someone who can complete them.

oh yes, this is the kind of topic that begins 'parking lot convos with patty'. which is mostly called such because i can't hold my opinion to wherever we are going and thus end up having the conversation in the parking lot. and i came up with 2 things that i think are true: 1) if you're not comfortable alone, you never will be with anyone else because another person can't complete you. they weren't meant to and it's unfair to do that to put that pressure on them to be everything when it wasn't meant to be that way and 2) no one is perfect. i didn't come to that conclusion by dating someone and realising that "they aren't perfect but i can accept them the way they are". it was more of a "whoa, i'm not perfect and how dare i have the gall to ask for something that i'm not either". besides, aren't we all beautiful disasters trying to become better people everyday? well, we should be.

but as for my kids, they leave for college soon. i'll update within the year on how their dating lives turn out.

it could be interesting. ha!

love,
p

knock over my sandcastle and i'll kick you in the throat

2009-07-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

so i got back from mexico a little over a week ago. it was okay. wasn't life-changing or anything, but it had some fun moments....and some not so fun moments of getting sick but i realised sometimes you just gotta puke. oh and also that after a fever breaks, that will make you feel appr
oximately 64% better than you were feeling.

it was a pretty small group that went. 6 guys and 4 girls. we were kind of segregated boys/girls for a while. we pretty much took a boy van and a girl van. so the boys decided to go to wal-mart without even asking us girls if we wanted to go. so, becca and i got bored and decided to duct tape their stuff to the ceiling.

but we also duct taped a note saying "we got bored. take us with you next time". i guess now's the time to mention that it was a high school missions trip which is kind of why i was allowed to do such. they did try to get us back by putting frogs in our room, but they didn't think that we're not freaked out by frogs.

anyway, we got to hand out bags of food to kids that lived in landfills and got to play with some kids at an orphanage. that was okay. but we had loads of free time. so it kind of felt like a vacation, but it was a really great intro for high school students into missions. we also got some beach time. after living in southern california for 2 years, then liberia, both places where i could look out of where i lived and see the ocean. i have desperately missed the beach. however, this was the first time i built a sandcastle. ours won. complete with watchtower, community swimming pool, and landfill. apparently, we were brooklyn.

the other team were the bronx and unfortunately couldn't get the moat to work:

the last group of the boys were to be manhattan (i don't know why we were NY, we didn't have anyone in our group from NY).

but now i actually have a respect for sandcastles and why you should never even think about knocking them over. it's a big deal. so, that's kind of the extent of mexico. now, on to find a job.

love,
p

i want to be like water

2009-07-10T09:13:00.000-07:00

okay so where did i leave off? oh right. I love America.

i was initially working the gate for a couple of hours after help set some stuff up. but then that night we were supposed to have the amazing reggie dabbs speak. somewhere around 6:30-7, it starts to rain-bad. so every one has to get in their cars to take shelter, hopefully wait it out. so i get in a car with people who became new friends since my car was so far away and then i leave to find out what's going on. apparently people are saying everything is cancelled. i know reggie. nothing would be canceled on his watch.

so i find him, get to hang out with him and talk about mutual friends we have in florida. and it clears up a bit. he says he's going to speak. so he plays the saxophone and brings people back in. slowly, you see people coming back. then, he does the thriller tribute to michael jackson and probably 1,000 people are out there doing thriller. not correctly though. only savannah and i were the ones who knew how to actually do the dance. so we do it in the rain that has started to pick up a little bit.

after reggie speaks, it kind of starts to pour, but luckily, knowing the right people, i get on a golfcart and don't get as soaked, but what an experience. watching fireworks in the rain. and after having an h2h with my students. good times. as i was sitting in the golf cart watching the rain-the rain wasn't a bad thing. it was so nice-especially because it was so hot. it was refreshing to see rain-even if it drove people away.

and i thought back to a Liberia moment where my friend Taya and I were walking through the forest for what seemed like forever. we ran out of water the last day and when we got to the end, we couldn't care less if anyone picked us up to take us to base on time. we just wanted water. when we drank it, it was the most incredible thing i had ever tasted in that moment. it was what we needed to be refreshed.

water's also flexible. it can go anywhere and fit in places other things can't. i want to be like water.

on a horrible sidenote-considering that would've been a great note to end on-i'm going to mexico tomorrow for a week. this should be interesting. usually people go on multiple missions trips to realise they want to be overseas. i'm kind of going backwards-but that's just how i do things i guess. i'm going with my teenagers, so this should be interesting. we'll see what happens.

love,
patty

camp and i guess we like america

2009-07-10T08:44:00.000-07:00

well, i guess i've kept myself busy this summer by hanging out with teenagers. they tend to make time go byquickly. i went to camp as a rec assistant last month and it was fun as it always is. here is a group pic of all the kids, counselors, and RAs we took to camp.

this was really a great camp. great speakers. no drama. except for autumn and katelyn who would sit on my bed singing, "wake me up before you go go" which they only knew a couple of lines to until 2 something in the morning while every one else was sleeping. i guess it's a good thing they're in junior high and still cute.

as always, camp was tiring but loads of fun. then we had the fourth of july. my church puts on a community event called i love america. this is what the stage look like-i stole this pic from my friend matt

but holy cow it was so hot that day this is the unattractive affects of heat exhaustion.

i'm going to write another post, because it's going to get too long.
i'll save your eyes.
love,
p

deja vu

2009-06-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

if there is one thing i'm pretty positive about, it would be that i am not a poster child for what a mid-20 person is supposed to be. i mean i'm not established. i don't even have a fish.

it's kind of the same cycle of thoughts that i've had every time there is a lull in my life. lull being silence when i'm waiting to move on. over the past year or so, i think i've become more comfortable with silence than i used to be. until i have a moment of silence. i don't think i'll ever get used to waiting for what's next, not knowing. i'm pretty sure that will always be annoying to me. it always seems that when i all i want to do is to follow what i'm supposed to for the next moment, then there's silence and i'm lost.

again.

i guess the actual process of being lost isn't so bad. it's when the worry sets in and the thoughts come in that it gets bad. "hmm...what am i going to do in a month? how long am i here? am i going to be homeless? jobless? oh, crap. this sucks."

i used to be a worrier. i don't know exactly when it happened but i got to this point where i stopped worrying legitimately. i don't trust people very easily but i found this person that i trusted and He once said, "do not worry about tomorrow for today has enough trouble of its own". He really is trustworthy this guy. i stopped worrying for a couple of years. it seems that over the past couple of weeks, this worry has returned something fierce and i don't know why. it's one of those gnawing at your gut type worry where when you think about it long enough , you need to put your hands in the air and put your head between your legs while you're hyperventilating (well, maybe not that bad, but i like to look on the bright side that things can indeed get worse).

i guess i'm just made differently. i never asked for it. i mean it's like my life is a whole process of being ADD. i've been back in the states for over 6 months and it's something i can't shake. being in the same place for this long- even though i've moved within that 6 months. i'm not talking about just having an itch because i'm at the age where i can travel and i'm allowed to do so-i'm just unstable (even though i guess i prefer the term fluid-it makes it sound better). but i wonder if it just ever gets ridiculous? i MUST leave the country again.

i guess i get to the point where when people somewhat tease me about always leaving, about never being able to keep up with what i'm doing-i've gotten to the point to where i don't really have a comeback anymore. and your mom jokes no longer count as wit i've been told.

it's not like i don't trust that something will be provided and that i won't be exactly where i'm supposed to be, because i will be. it just flat out stinks when you have absolutely no control over what happens in your life for the next month much less 6 months much less year. it's always that long-drawn out process of learning-i mean haven't i learned enough? i might be a professional student but i don't NEED this! i don't like deja vu' because this looks awfully familiar. and if you're one of like the 3 people that read my blog-this probably looks familiar too. i promise i'll stop the insanity one day.as soon as i get an answer.

love,
p

to belong part I

2009-04-27T22:18:00.001-07:00

be·long : to fit into a group naturally

you know, there's certain places you go and you just feel like it's natural. almost like it was meant to be from the beginning. kind of just like you belong. like the people you were with were put there to be with you.

5 months ago, i came back from liberia. it was really hard for me. harder than i think i could have ever imagined. first of all, i had no desire to be in dallas, where i would be living. i had no desire to even be in the states, but that's how it worked out. but i guess i had a harder time relating to people than i thought i would. i've always been a people person. i find people fascinating, but i've never had a problem relating to anyone no matter what the background.

i came back and didn't expect people to understand. but wasn't expecting myself to lose my related-ness. what am i supposed to say? "oh, yes, hello person wearing entirely way too much makeup with your useless stuff who tries to tell me stories about your 3 day missions trip to mexico in hopes to 'relate' back to me... please stop talking to me". i found it easier to just not say anything.

so, i came to the conclusion that i think people think i'm mean now. this is new for me. because i'm really not. really. mean that is. so i don't know how to convince people that i'm not.

now especially, with not knowing what will come in the next couple of months. i feel like i'm once again searching for where i belong. asking, "if what i hope doesn't work out, do i belong here?" or even asking, "where do i belong?" where am i understood?

as it is now 1 a.m., i'm putting this on pause and will write another post later. true, i could save the draft and post it later, but i just don't think i will. here you go. my thoughts for today.

love,
patty

maybe they should stick to coffee

2009-04-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

guy on tv protesting at a tea party: (paraphrased by me):

"i'm protesting because i don't understand how a president who wants to be like abraham lincoln could do this! lincoln stood for liberty! our liberty is being taken away from high taxes.....etc. etc. etc."

fact: President Lincoln was the first president to incorporate a progressive income tax.

oh, my people.

it really is more than just a song

2009-04-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

it's Good Friday. isn't it supposed to be like the day to blog and think deep thoughts about what this day represents? probably. just to preface, mine probably won't be that deep.

today, I remember what my Saviour, Jesus Christ did for me although i should remember every day sometimes it's one of those, "thanks God. You know I appreciate You. You know i wouldn't be here without You". but sometimes, it's good to really sit and remember that the God who made the entire universe is in love with me. He's in love with you too. c.s. lewis is my favourite and he wrote, "Christ died for men precisely because men are not worth dying for; to make them worth it". gosh that blows my mind. it blows my mind that the God who created things i can't even fathom cheers for me when i'm happy and when i'm confused or sad He puts His arms around me because He is concerned for me. wow.

In reading the Easter story, I came across Matthew 26:50. Matthew's account is probably my favourite because even when Judas betrays Jesus, Jesus still calls him Friend.

i'm usually anti-cliche' statements, and i think it's sad that it has almost become a statement that doesn't mean anything anymore when we say, "oh yeah God, thanks for sending Jesus to die for me and for raising Him from the dead" and we really don't think of everything that really meant. of everything that really means.

today, i am once again reminded that Amazing Grace is more than just a song because i'm the wretch that song talks about. i really was that miserable, despicable person who was saved by the overwhelming Love of an incredible God.

so,

i reflect on today...the day that made Sunday Good.

the interracial thoughts from the mixed girl

2009-03-25T19:34:00.000-07:00

they say to never write when you're angry....or something like that. well, i may be a little upset, but the upside is that i'm not writing based on something that has happened to me recently, but to someone i care about.

so, i bring up a topic. i guess it's a question of race and dating. you date someone of a different race and they legitimately like you, but, you're not the right colour. funny thing is: happens when you date non-Christians, but just the same with Christians too.

then you have the other side-those that date you because you're the exotic girl. which...if that's your agenda-there are like at least 3 billion people in the world who are not of the same colour as you. pick them for your little exotic experiment.

what brings about this righteous indignation? or something like it? it can affect everyone-even a friend that's white who was dating someone not white and the other non-white had a problem. why? the parents had a problem.

why can't people not like people based on personality? tell me that i talk too much or that i'm too bossy or that i'm too spiritual. but do NOT under any circumstance when race is the case act like it's not just to ease your conscience.

i'm not naive. i lived in springfield, mo. for 4 years-ethnic population total of all minorities at the time was like 3%. i've dealt with people who have treated me badly or made the mistake of treating my parents badly because of race. it happens. i get it. but why? i can't even count the number of times it's happened. not just to me, but to legitimately good people and that's what makes me angry.

so i guess the question i pose is why does this even happen? if people aren't interested why can't we just not be interested? don't flirt, don't date when you know that nothing is going to happen in the first place. and as for not wanting to hurt the other person, either two things can happen 1) you already did or 2) they've been through it before and can't get hurt

or 2nd question-what makes it okay for someone to say: it's okay to date an asian, and maybe a native american, but not a black person. what's the difference? what's the line of what's okay to marry? it's all too confusing for this mixed chick to handle.

and if you think that way even if it's just way down deep in your subconscious: just know-you may be happy. but one day, you're going to look at your life and think, "i could've had better. if only i wasn't so stupid".

because it's mad

2009-03-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

so, it's been awhile. i realise i don't do well with remembering to post when nothing is really going on in my life-so i guess i should make something happen. or maybe stuff happens all the time and i just don't consider it significant enough to really notice.

this past week i went home for an entire week. and it was soooo good. it's just nice to be with people you love. and i got to hang out with my teenagers from home. sometimes, you just have to hang out with teenagers. they teach you so much. and after watching them grow up, it helps you understand the people who watch you grow up.

then some friends and i shut down bww's with playing dutch blitz. who would've thought they would've loved it so much? and when i say shut down-i literally mean it-we were the last ones besides the staff to leave, but we didn't notice that everyone had left.

and then, welcome to march madness-you know i usually don't care about college basketball. you may not either. if you don't. make a bracket. you will care. trust me. especially the brackets where you play and you can win money. it's like free money for having prophetic moments. hence, how upset i was when like 5 of the teams i picked lost. i've never watched that much basketball in my life. maybe i have- but now i know why it's called march madness.

so, i'm back in T, trying to finish these last few weeks. then, it's official, i'm taking the next year at least, maybe 2 off from school. why just may be another post.

peace,
p

a rush of blood to the...fingers

2009-02-21T21:26:00.000-08:00

so, i hope everyone had a good valentine's day-good in whatever way you wish to describe it. true, personally, i think it's a huge marketing scheme and hence don't really celebrate it, but i do try to get my mom and dad something because it somehow still surprises them and makes them happy. when they're happy i'm happy. but i apologize because you probably didn't ask for my opinion about valentine's day, but i decided to give it to you anyway.

so i've been in school for about 5 weeks. it's going i guess. i've found people who have given me hope as to the reason i'm here for this period of time. i've come to the conclusion that even if it's just for 3-4 people, it's worth it. i'm still not motivated which is so not like me, which makes me wonder if i've just relaxed so much to where i don't care, or if it's simply true- i really don't care. at least it's better than being the constant stressball i used to be. that's when it's nice to know that when Jesus said, "come to me and i will give you rest" He really meant it, well, not that He doesn't mean everything He says-but that's definitely one I find true all the time.

i've had kind of some down time lately-which is kind of dangerous, because it leaves me to think. a lot. like just think. about things. one of the things i have decided is to play the piano again. i realised the other day when someone thought i was being humble-which i hope i usually am- about my playing that i don't know if i know how to play anymore. here i was-winner of keyboard solo for oklahoma, in the top whatever percent classically in the state-at every competition and every piano camp (don't make fun of me) and i really enjoyed it. sure, i played for church groups usually when someone wouldn't show up because i can hear the tune and pretty much get it, but the challenge was gone. i still remember the rush at piano camp of playing a piece so well, i KNEW that Lecuona was clapping for me beyond the grave. it was the challenge that gave me the rush. before long, i didn't even notice that i was barely playing anymore.

then i wonder. what makes us lose the rush of the challenge as we get (fill in the blank here: older, more comfortable, etc, etc). why do start settling for mundane? why do we decide to be with the boring person? because it's easier? because it's cheaper? why?

have no fear. i have not turned boring, dear friends. but know that decisions will be made soon. it's going to get interesting.

~p

say it johnny

2009-02-09T16:01:00.000-08:00

Take out of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walkin' like a one man army
Fightin' with the shadows in your head
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead
if you could only

Say what you need to say

Have no fear for givin' in
Have no fear for givin' over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shakin'
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closin'
Do it with a heart wide open
A wide heart

Say what you need to say
-John Mayer

you know, this past week, i've learned a valuable lesson. that life is really short. that i never want to look back and wish i would've spent more time with the people i love. that i would've talked more with the people i love. that i would actually tell people i love that yes, i indeed do love you. to tell people i don't even know that yes, Someone indeed does love them. i'm really not good at saying stuff like that but i've always considered myself guarded in that respect. so this week especially, i've taken it to heart. maybe that's what we're all called to do. life is short. it may take a while to get to everyone to tell them personally-but i'm really glad you're in my life.

love always,
~P

satan lives in texas

2009-01-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

i've always thought of myself as adaptable. i've lived/studied/worked on 4 different continents. that proves adaptability right? yet, i find it harder to live places that are unfamiliar in the states. or maybe it's just harder to live in texas-cause satan lives here too.

see last week i moved here and it just wasn't a good week ya know, my old housing coordinator i worked with as an RA at Pepperdine passed away along with my old pastor on the same day and then on top of it all, i move to texas. i get here and share a room with a girl on campus and it's just a situation where i can't live there, even though she was a really sweet person. i hate the campus, i hate the state. everything is screaming i don't want to be here. which causes me to not understand.

i couldn't figure out why i didn't have a peace about something i loved to do. hence, i didn't do it, then why would i be here and everything go wrong? it just didn't make sense! i was living on campus with this junior in college-it was weird because i could tell that i made her uncomfortable by being in her space. my profs were "blown away" that i had gone to pepperdine, which was also uncomfortable. although i'm an extrovert, i don't like being the center of attention.

so then, i came to the conclusion that i should just suck it up because i'm only going to be here for 4 months and counting down. and then, came the revelation...

my family is the most important thing in my life. i would die for them, i would do anything for them and i always said, if i had to choose between something i love and my family (if they needed me), i'd pick my family. well, the time arrived and all the signs were pointing to what i had to do, but i kept trying, kept complaining because it's not what I wanted. oh, i went through the motions of i'm staying here for my family, but i wasn't happy about it because i'm an idiot and for some reason thought the woe is me attitude for the moment was attractive (not).

In Jeremiah 29, I found people just like me. The Israelites were in Babylon (which could be texas). They didn't really like it there either. They were going to suck it up and be there only for as long as necessary. But then the LORD said, "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. marry and have sons and daughters..also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile".

hmmm....they weren't just supposed to throw ashes in the air and say woe is me. they were supposed to LIVE. maybe God was saying, "if you give it a chance it won't be half bad, it may even turn out to be a really great time"

torn part II

2008-12-23T08:42:00.001-08:00

i think sometimes you just have to say, "you know what God? whatever". not in a valley girl voice or not really like a punk teenager would talk to a young adult because maybe God would find that rude....then again, maybe not. i'll have to ask Him that one day.

but it's more of a "okay, God...whatever is supposed to be will be". sometimes, i get super bummed because things look like they are not working out like i want them to and then you just feel mopey. like annoyingly mopey. in case you're wondering, yes, it has happened before.

but then, i remember that you know what? God's plan hasn't changed, though it looks like everything else has...the only thing that has changed is the way i see it.

so i just need to relax

~p

torn

2008-12-21T12:07:00.000-08:00

i like quotes. i think we all do. it somewhat gives you self-satisfaction when you can find one, knowing that someone brilliant feels as you do. there's one by mark twain that says:

"twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did so. so throw off the bowlines. sail away from the safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails. explore. dream. discover"

i've always thought of that as my advocate for going away and working elsewhere. but what if he's also talking about staying? for me, sailing away for the safe harbor is staying.

where is the line between doing what you want to do and what you have to do?

i guess it's true, twenty years from now, i don't want to be disappointed in what i chose to not do.

to be continued....

~p

it is now december

2008-12-08T13:38:00.000-08:00

i know that i'm a contradiction. i don't mind. being home is nice. one thing i love about oklahoma is that unlike most states, it's quite slow-paced, but not so slow paced that you feel as though your mind is super slow (or super hick-well at least not all of the time). but then it has things that annoys me like, a lack of recycling centers and the fact that people don't really care about what's going on in the world at all.

a couple of weeks ago, the attacks happened in mumbai, and as americans typically do, we put it on the news for about 3 days or until "something more newsworthy" comes on. i think that's an american thing. we continually run off of emotion. that's one thing that i'm not too fond of america for. and here we are, once again-we've forgotten that anything has happened.

i guess you can say how i see tragedies as such, has changed since september 13th, when i was affected by the train crash in L.A. see, it's then you realise that the people that died, just aren't people out there. they are people's fathers, husbands, mothers, wives, daughters and sons. and their lives are gone for a senseless reason. families are torn apart, lives are forever changed and for what? whether in mumbai for reasons of terror or in LA because someone was texting while driving a train full of the day's commuters.

then it makes you wonder about the pure badness in the world. why does it have to be this way? i know the reason that we live in a fallen world and who am i to think that just because i follow the One who made the world good, that i'm supposed to be free from things that others face? (little note to read byzantium if you haven't) no. and i know better than that-look at my life to see that, but sometimes, i just have to verbally say or write down my thoughts because it puts things into perspective. i'm glad i serve a God that can take my questions, who is big enough to handle me when i get angry and frustrated with Him and don't understand the world and why it is so. but then He reminds me that He is good. and i can choose to bring good where i am or to bring badness which is spoiled goodness. most of all, He reminds me just how awesome Heaven is going to be.

~P

random t-day thoughts

2008-11-27T16:18:00.000-08:00

1. ah. thanksgiving. i've really missed thanksgivings at home. you may think it's because it's something extravagant....um, no. see, our thanksgivings consist of me only cooking the hot rolls and doing the dishes-i've been doing it since i was 6, why change tradition? then, we eat, mostly in our pajamas (my dad is usually the only one who is dressed enough to actually leave the house looking decent). we watched bizarre foods and watched him eat a fish eye while eating our turkey...then about 10 minutes after dishes were done, we were all asleep. thank you triptofan. that's a t-day at home. and i love it. comfort of home-being who you truly are with people who truly are themselves because that's just how you love them.

2. chasing daylight- reading the book written by my former pastor. ERM. good stuff. he talks about how we are CALLED to live a life of adventure and how what we do with each moment affects future moments. this is your moment. and my moment too. i've been determined to not let this moment pass....i try to make my mom laugh as much as possible, hang out with my teenagers, watch entirely way too much football with my dad, tell the people i truly love that i love them every time i see them.

he also talks about art and how each moment captured really is motion captured. we often capture the moment and leave it at that. but there is so much more behind that moment, it's moving. that was an ego booster since i would always spend time at the getty when i lived in LA, analyzing things until my feet would kill me...hm, good to know that i don't have an analytical problem...i still may, but i digress.

2a. since it's a part of the book too. i am the epitamy of a daydreamer- have been since i was kid. since i'm a really great multi-tasker, i can even daydream while doing about 4 other things at once. often think about the future or what i'm exactly going to say to that person who made a decision that he/she is not happy with and wants to tell me about. or i daydream about what i'm going to do when, what my life will be like. it's quite addicting, daydreaming. not that it's all bad. but sometimes, you just need to be in this moment. yeah, i like that.

i'm actually so much at peace with the idea of letting go of things because sometimes letting go leaves a better grip.

and on a simplier note, you just can't sit on your thumbs and wait for nothing to happen. cause that gets boring.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Love,
~P

yum. turkey

2008-11-19T12:23:00.000-08:00

well, i have safely returned home. it's quite nice. sometimes you forget what home really means until you get there. this has been the first trip i've come back from where i've had the most trouble with jet lag. but that is finally over and now it's time to get used to other things. i guess in time i'll become more stylish like i used to be, will actually take my buff off at some points in time and wear the unusual thing called make up again. but then again, maybe not.

the thought of coming home always brings up mixed feelings. here you are surrounded by people who knew you before but will it be the same? i've left and i've changed but what else has changed? will home be the same? will home have changed? or is it just me that has changed? what will people think of the change? will people even understand?

i came home with all these questions and got one answer that was easier and more pleasant than what i was expecting. and that is that there are people at home that love me more than i could ever hope for. and that is pretty much all you need. that love has answered all of my questions. sure i've changed and sure things have changed here too. but change isn't bad.

next week is thanksgiving and boy do i have a lot to be thankful for. this is my first thanksgiving at home since 2005. and to spend it with the people that i love the most in the whole world is quite a blessing. i'm lucky to love every moment of my life. to have friends all over the world who are determined to change their world and expect nothing less of me either. and a family who would support me even if i wanted to be the president of some small south american country. so happy thanksgiving everyone.

may you be reminded of many reasons to be thankful.

~P

leaving on a big plane

2008-11-11T06:27:00.001-08:00

i leave this beautiful country tomorrow. still not sure if i will be back for sure in january or not. am reminded of a prayer i found that sums up what this moment in my life (the moment of being in Liberia) has meant:

O God, our Father, we thank You for this day.
We thank You for those who have given us guidance, counsel advice and good example.
We thank You for those in whose company the sun shone even in the rain, and who brought a smile to our faces even when things were grim.
We thank You for those in whose company the frightening things were not so alarming, and the hard things not so difficult.
We thank You for those whose presence saved us from falling to temptation, and enabled us to do the right.
We thank You for those whom it is joy to be with, and in whose company the hours pass all too quickly.
We thank You for happy times to be to us forever happy memories.
We thank You for times of failure to keep us humble, and to make us remember how much we need You.
Most of all we thank You for Jesus Christ, who in the daytime is our friend and our companion and who in the night is our pillow and our peace.
Hear this our evening thanksgiving for Your love's sake
~William Barclay

So be it.

a trek through the bush and a deep thought later

2008-11-07T14:06:00.000-08:00

so, i just came back from what i earlier dubbed was going to be the "best trip ever". it ended up being good. not sure about the best trip ever though. the first day, we were scheduled to take off at 6 am. not really a fan of starting to do strenous exercise that early in the morning. anyway, we end up starting to walk around 7:15-7:30. around 9:30, i realise that i didn't have breakfast and i tend to get low blood sugar when doing a lot of exercise and no food. so, we attempt to fix the problem, but travelling with 7 africans and 1 canadian, africans don't get the concept at all of low blood sugar.

anyway, we do assessments in about 5 villages. total it takes 10 hours and we get to the last village where we'll sleep at about 5:30. 8 hour of walking the first day. the village was called nyemah and it was so clean and the people were SO incredibly kind. they gave us water to take a bath in, in this cute homemade bathhouse they made and they even gave up their beds for us! Even though we brought tents to sleep in.

So, the 2nd day comes and we move on. everyone acts like they are in such a hurry but i being the stubborn person i am have a pace that i go, and we're still making good time, but some of the faster walkers want me to go faster-hence ticking me off a little. we do 2 more villages in 3 hours instead of the 4 they said it would take and keep going another 3 hours to another village. now, when i say that i'm walking, this isn't some little stroll on the trail. this is a "knock you in the face-no motorcycle can go on this road-bush trail". in between our resting points, i can feel blisters beginning to form and even pop. so we get to this village and again they give us their beds to sleep on. by this time we're completley exhausted and are grateful for just a good night's rest. but we don't get one.

taya and i usually just sit and chat for a while before we go to bed. so we were doing the usual when i hear this noise and ask her what it is. she calmly replies a rat. i think okay. we live with mice. but then, the lid to the bucket in the room comes off completely and i just say, "what was THAT" in order for the rat to do that, it has to be massive. so, all through the night there are about a dozen rats and we can hear them chewing something, not sure if they are chewing through our bags or not. so taya and i keep the headlamp on all night, trying to scare the rats away-but it doesn't work and we only end up with about 2 hours of sleep that night still having to walk another 4 hours to end our journey.

might i add here that the people were so grateful that we came. i was already the first non-Liberian/non-native African to be there about a month ago and now i think taya and i were the first american and canadian in there and also the first "white women" to spend the night there.

so back to the journey. back the 3rd day, today, my feet are completely killing me, i ended up hitting my bad knee on a tree log the day before , so my whole right side just is not cooperative. i'm moving slowly, but we're sitll making it in the time they said. and i'm just getting beyond ticked off with lots that is going on, and i feel like complete crap and can feel my blisters popping, which honestly feels like your feet are bleeding. and i'm just ticked.

we end up waiting for about 4 hours for a car to come and then end up walking small in the dark and by then, i'm pretty livid. everything is just getting to me, and i think everything is ridiculous and asinine. i guess we are all entitled to our bad days, but after awhile, feeling this way really bothered me.

why? because i have a masters degree, i've spent over 3 months each on 4 continents: i should have my life together. i should only be moving forward in who i am, right? it hasn't exactly worked like that. it's moments like those where i am reminded of a quote from my favourite book Mere Christianity. C.S. Lewis writes: "surely what a man does when he is taken off guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he really is. surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth?" Almost 9 years ago my life was completely changed from who I used to be. I found this true love and amazingness of a man called Jesus Christ. only those who knew me can really attest to who i used to be. many will tell you i'm completely different and it's true. it's too much to explain who i used to be, but just trust me. so, on this trip the woman that came out at times wasn't the evidence of who i thought i was or who i want to be.

i had a pretty bad attitude for about 1/3 of the trip. and afterward, i felt horrible for being so angry because in a way, it reminds me of who i used to be and how much i don't want to be who i used to be. i often think that i'm making progress and it's moments like those where i don't feel like i'm making progress at all. as c.s. lewis also says, "we all want progress. But progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be". again, in moments like those, i don't feel very progressive. because progress means changing for the better and i don't feel like i'm always better than i was. it's a day by day process i guess. certain days you do feel sucessful and a better person but other days, it just doesn't happen.

sometimes, i'm constantly reminded that no matter how many degrees i have, or want to have, i'm always as person "in progress". i hate failing. and it's crazy how the littlest things can make you feel like such a failure, even though you know you haven't completely screwed up. yes, i am a perfectionist and i'm learning that just because i don't handle things the way i should, or things don't work out the way i hope, the world actually won't fall apart. it's true that “after each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again….It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God.”

so, this trek through the jungle was somewhat the same. it was long. it was hard. it was full of good moments. full of crappy moments. full of moments of laughter and moments of anger. but in the end, it was completely worth it. on the way up, there is this huge hill and i had to stop for multiple seconds, but johnny and bob helped me through. and that's like life too. people are purposefully put in your life to help you up that hill to get to the top. before i left to work on this project, i knew it would be difficult. i knew what i was doing and once again c.s....

"the process will be long and in parts painful, but that is what we are in for. nothing less."

yep. i don't want anything less.

~P

somewhere between what could be and what is

2008-11-01T12:47:00.000-07:00

i have been on a roll with the blogging thing. i don't know if people are actually supposed to continuously attempt to blog or not. but, whatever. i digress to an actual topic: i've realised that when i get 10 days or so away from leaving a place, the mindset changes. i realise, "holy crap. i'm really leaving". then i think about the people that i have been with and learned from. and for some reason, this transition time always puts me in a contemplative mood.

here is my contemplative mood for now: my life is the coolest life pretty much ever. don't get me wrong...your life is probably cool too. sometimes though i can't help but wonder what my life would be like if i would be doing something other than what i'm doing. i think we all do that in some way or another at some point in time of our lives. currently, i seem to find that more and more people that i once may have flippantly dated are now married. whoa. i think. I could be married right now. and that thought freaks me out.

i won't lie, it'd be nice to be married at some point but the problem arises with the finding someone who would want to spend the rest of his life with me. that's a really long time. like forever. and i know that i'm quite a handful. oh, my. poor guy. whoever he is.

to digress again to an actual point: i remember 2 1/2 years ago feeling the strongest regarding this issue of what would have been and what is and discussing it with my wisest friend, Vanessa. the conclusion from that is the same as it is now. just like history, you can only study what actually happened and as V states as only she can, "i can tell you exactly what would've happened if you did things differently in your life. it wouldn't. if what happened wouldn't have happened, you would be someone else freaking out about different decisions. you are you. formed from thousands of different decisions".

as i look back through my journal and re-read what i wrote then, i'm so grateful for everything i've been through. every opportunity that i've had and loved and every opportunity i've had and despised. life has been good. and it's so crazy that it only gets better!

um, that's all i have for now. one day, i'll try to write something heartfelt and life changing...one day.

~P

rain just puts you in a writing mood

2008-10-30T06:31:00.000-07:00

it rained today, which is somewhat surprising because it appeared as though dry season was here to stay and rainy season was over. i have always loved the rain. growing up in the dry desert of oklahoma, i remember when the governor would ask us to pray for rain, it would get that dry. i also remember looking out of the window and being so excited when it would rain that i would run outside with arms outstreched grateful for some relief from the heat.

beyond providing much needed nourishment, i can't figure out why i love the rain so much. most people after seeing the rain day after day would get tired of it, but i don't think i have. sure there have been days, but not really.

one thing about rain is that it has a calming factor. i know on a rainy day, i get to sleep easier. i think most of the times i'm quite spastic and although i've done better recently, i often need to be reminded to just calm down. i need to tell myself to stop talking and just listen. realise that silence isn't bad-just sometimes uncomfortable.

i think i look at how the rain just cleans the earth and how naturally beautiful it is. in the time i've spent in africa, natural beauty is one thing that has definitely stood out to me. everything here is naturally beautiful. in liberia, the people are even naturally beautiful. i know personally that i haven't worn make up for the past 5 months and i'm okay with that. not that make up is bad in anyway, but it does make me realise how much emphasis we ("we" going as far as meaning the western world) put on the made-up beauty of people and things instead of what naturally is.

so, rain, rain ...please don't go away. stay here and help me "process" as you always do.

a Liberian bush adventure

2008-10-24T07:42:00.000-07:00

i feel compelled to write more about my time in Liberia-since this is where i currently am...whether by the help of a certain person named Bev or not.

So last week, I went to Bopolu to see how our distribution for the project that I started managing about a month ago was going. It was going alright but some parts were a little rough just logistically speaking. Oh, and I can't forget to mention that we are attempting to do a 5 month project in 2 months but details, details.

So, I went up to see my staff, give pep talks and then I decide that I want to go to see the people that will receive our supplies of wire, flashtape and zinc in order to increase the output of their farms. The community that we are distributing in, does not allow access for cars or motorbikes, so you have to walk the entire way. There are 14 communities total in this district and i decided that i wanted to walk to the 2nd one. In one day.

Every time I told any Liberian that I wanted to walk there in a day, they would just laugh and say "impossible! it is possible for us to do..but you". so that made me even more determined to do it.

problem was, we got a late start. we didn't get to the landing until 10:40 a.m. so, we leave and then i see what they mean by "non-accessible". this bush is knocking me in the face and you can barely see the trail to even walk! then it clears and gets a bit better and we make it to the first village-wayamah. there we find a boy who was just bitten by a cassava snake which is highly poisonous. since this village does not have any health care system and pretty much doesn't have anything these people are trying to treat him with herbs. so, since we really can't be useful we decide to leave and keep on going to gbangay-2nd second village.

so, total of 3 hours since we started and 2 hours past wayamah-we get to gbangay. i just plop down when we get to the town chief's house. am introduced and then this old man keeps telling me that he wants to marry me. i'm so tired that i just don't even talk (because i don't want to) and i'm just staring at this man that is obviously drunk AND is off his rocker. THEN, he tries to kiss me...oh yes, and he was NOT successful.

i use that opportunity to say that we're leaving and go to see the rice farms. we walk about another 30 minutes and get to a farm where some women are harvesting. "can i harvest too?" I ask. they were happy to oblige. and it was actually quite fun but a lot of work to get the final product of rice.

so, one of the women says that she will make us some rice if we will stay. so we end up staying for about another hour and i did end up taking a short nap because i was so sleepy. then we get word that the boy that was bitten by the cassava snake died. it was sad and we went to give our condolences on our way back.

i totally didn't think we were going to make it back up this hu-mon-go hill because it just doesn't end. by this time, i had gotten bit by a driver ant and i can feel the blisters on my feet forming. i had to stop about 5 times on the hill because it's just so never ending but then we finally make it and see that no truck is there. so we're in the dark, it starts raining...no joke, it was something straight out of a movie. turns out, they left about 5 minutes before we got there thinking that we weren't going to make it, but they had to come back for us anyway.

So, on the way back i was talking to the base manager about how no one ran up to me to greet me or anything and he said, "oh, yeah! that's because they don't see people who look different from them. You're the first non-Liberian woman (well, actually, he said white woman, but we won't go there) to go there since before the war started".

Wow. was all i could think. i was quite humbled. true there was no road, but these people are such a beautiful people. so, we're actually going back next week to do some water assessments and i'm so excited. it's going to be the best trip EVER!

~P

a political venting session

2008-10-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

I despise election season. I hate talking about politics. Why is this you may ask when I have spent 6 years studying it and have an advanced degree in it? Is it because everyone makes you feel as though you are a horrible person if you do not vote a certain way? I think so. What beyond aggravates me is when people say, "if you don't vote this way, you aren't voting for the will of God" or other statements that are just as ridiculous. Are you telling me that if I do not vote your way that I do not love God? Who are you to say that?

I am not a Republican. I am not a Democrat. I belive things on different sides. Is universal healthcare not Biblical?

I like debate. I like learning from other people. I DON'T like debating when people do not want to listen and have no earthly idea what they are talking about. Are you even aware how far both parties ideas have changed over the years or are you too busy voting straight ticket to notice?

For example, 20 years ago, Republicans wanted NOTHING to do with education. Now all of a sudden Republicans wnat EVERYTHING to do with no child left behind completely oblivious to the fact that they are now neo-cons.

What brings this blog to the surface you ask? People who have the GALL to tell me that just because I don't think McCain is the best thing since sliced bread, telling me that I'm not voting "in touch with God". As a Christian, I am upset with these people and those like them. Are you showing people the love of God? Let me answer that for you...that would be NO.

When I was working in D.C. at the Russell Senate Building, there was once a pro-life rally. I thought, okay it is as good of an idea as any other. I come back from work and there is their trash EVERYWHERE. I was so vexed because it makes all pro-lifers look bad and I attempted to pick up the trash but there was just too much. Is this being a good steward? Is this showing love?

All I ask, if you're a Republican, Democrat, Independent, or none of the above-is do you know WHY you vote the way you do? Do you even know WHY you believe it? This isn't a bashing session for either side because again I agree with things on either side. Just respect the opinions of other people. That...is all I ask.

I'm just asking for a clean race from US, the voters. Don't bash other people. Open your mind and realise that we all want the same thing...a better America.

We just have different ways to get there.

i...am ridiculous

2008-10-05T14:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had those moments where all you can say about yourself is "i'm ridiculous?" I definitely had one of those moments today. This weekend I've been sicky mc-sick-ing-ton. It was one of those times where you WILL remember being this sick because it doesn't happen often. i woke up and started puking up what my roommate calls "gut juice"-yeah, that yellow stuff mixed with water that makes you just want to stop breathing? we were supposed to go to robertsport and i felt horrible. i made my roommates go without me and i just decided to lie on the couch and not move.

i was pretty bored all weekend since the roommates were gone for 2 days and i was NOT happy. i mean, i'm not having fun with my friends and all i could think of was that this fun weekend wasn't supposed to turn out this way. i was supposed to be at robertsport enjoying this last weekend with 2 of my roommates on the beach and all of a sudden this bug comes out of nowhere. i never have been one to deal well when things go differently than i have planned, but over the past 6 years, i've gotten better, since NOTHING in my life has gone according to plan-and i can't imagine my life if it would have gone according to "plan"...<--yep, there i go contradicting myself again (it's kind of a hobby)

a quote from one of my favourite books, the alchemist came to mind today, which says, "When each day is the same as the next, it’s because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day the sun rises". it wasn't as though i thought yesterday was the same as the day before but i didn't appreciate the day for what it was. i undermined the wonderful people who took time out of their schedule to visit me and to check up on me. i forgot that God gave me rest that i obviously needed and would not have gotten otherwise. i have found a renewed love for applesauce.

most of all, even though i strive to win the respect of intellectual people, i remembered that even when i fall short and am ridiculously ridiculous and prove to be everything that is inadequate... for some weird reason the God of the universe just laughs at my shortcomings and reminds me of what really is. He's given me good things in the beauty that exists, in the people that are around me and in everything that is-whether i remember to recognize it or not.

the universal language of...

2008-09-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

Last week, I had the chance to visit a program that helps deaf students. We walk in the place and meet the woman in charge, whom I spoke with over the phone. She takes us into a room with the beginners class...all deaf children with a deaf teacher. I wave hello. I can't decide whether or not I should sign since I don't know that much. After looking at the beautiful faces of these children I decide that I at least need to try. So I look at this girl who was one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. "Your name?" I sign? Her face lit up. L-U-C-Y. "Lucy" I sign back. "Yes" she answered, "Your name?" "P-A-T-T-Y" I replied.

Oh, then the other kids started signing too! We leave and get to see the other deaf students who are integrated in classes with the students who can hear. I did get told that I was very beautiful by a 12th grade boy, but communicating (or should I say attempting) with these kids was such an experience. Here I am 9,000 miles away from where people understand what I am saying, talking to these students who cannot hear. In that moment, I felt like the world was so small...that we're all the same.

I know it may not make sense, probably because I'm not explaining it well, but it was definitely a life changing experience. The picture above is the deaf teacher named Norah, who is also deaf signing to me, "I love you" and me signing back. So, it's a universal language really....a universal language that breaks all accent barriers and color barriers and is just simply a language that shows love.

i'm glad..

2008-09-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

so, i've been in Liberia for 3 1/2 months now. i'm pretty sure that you're supposed to make a blog before you leave or when you first hit the ground, but i never tend to do things the way i'm supposed to.

so, i thought for my first blog post, i'd get into why i picked the blog of i'm glad you're not ordinary. you can ask my housemates. this was definitely a difficult task in picking, but i decided on it because in all of my travels, i have realised this quote by c.s. lewis to be true. in his infamous quote he says how there are no ordinary people and how the people we talk to are not mere mortals. if you've ever been to Liberia, you will quickly find that these are not ordinary people either. the people you meet are the same ones that as recently as 5 years ago were running from rebels to save their lives. yet, if you only met the people, you would never know it. yep, these aren't ordinary people.

then, i see all the people that have crossed my path, both past and present. and i'm so glad that i'm surrounded by people who are not ordinary and who make sure that i don't settle for such either. i'm grateful that everyone i've met has had an impact on my life. i'm glad that different people continue to teach me different lessons everyday. and...i'm glad that you're not ordinary either.